She nibbled on her lower lip. “I’m sorry they made you feel that you didn’t belong.”
That was exactly how they’d made me feel. “The only person I was ever really angry at was Mace. He was an asshole. Didn’t give a shit about anyone. Nothing was ever his fault. And he blamed my mother for how he’d cheated on her. He even implied she was weak for leaving; said she should have understood that sometimes a man just couldn’t help himself.”
Maya’s lips flattened. “You’re right, he was an asshole.”
“I hated him for pushing her away. In my opinion, he was the weak one. I thought it fucked up that he’d ever claim he couldn’t control himself around a woman. It was a cop-out, in my mind. And then I met you, and my own control went right out the fucking window.”
She went very still. “Ryder—”
“I couldn’t stay away from you, so I allowed myself one night. I told myself I’d walk away afterwards. But that one night turned into a fling, because I needed more of you. Six months down the line, after a long-ass trip, I was right back to square one—craving you, needing you, hating the fact that I now needed to cut Mace a fucking break.”
Her lips parted. “So all the times you seemed so angry …”
“I was never angry at you, baby. I was never angry that I wanted you. I was pissed that either I was no better than him, or maybe he wasn’t so spineless after all—just fucking human.”
(Maya)
I really had not expected the conversation to head in this direction. I’d thought we’d end up discussing the woman he lost. Well, maybe not full-on discussing her. I’d figured he’d give me a few details or maybe a half-assed story. But no. Right now, he was being more open and honest than he ever had before. And I was seeing that I hadn’t understood his motivations as well as I’d thought I had.
I cleared my throat. “You said your father was like a nympho. If he was sleeping with multiple women all the time, I’d say it wasn’t a simple case of him being ‘just human’ or of you being like him.”
Ryder shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not.” He sighed and slid along the sofa so he was next to me. “When I came back here after my trip, I’d intended to keep my distance from you—I won’t lie about that.”
Okay, yeah, that stung to hear. But it wasn’t like I hadn’t already known.
“I thought I could do it. I thought wrong.” He rested his hand on my thigh and gave it a little squeeze. “I know I haven’t been very fair to you. I know you deserve better. And maybe I should do what you asked and let you go, but I wouldn’t manage it. I’d end up right back here. Not because I think I have the right to walk in and out of your life whenever it suits me. It’s not like that.”
“Then what is it like?”
He tucked my hair behind my ear. “I think about you all the time, you know. Worry about you constantly. Wonder where you are, what you’re doing, who you’re with. I don’t think you have any idea how much space you take up in my head. There’s no room for anyone else there. Only you.” He rested his forehead against mine. “Sometimes, I feel like I’ll go insane if I don’t make you mine.”
Which would have been flattering if I wasn’t so worried about why I’d caught and kept his attention. “Do I remind you of her?”
He lifted his head with a frown. “Fuck, no. I’ve never met anyone like you. You have so many layers, and they all cover a super soft centre. I like being in your mind, like its vibe. There’s kindness, cunning, sensuality, vulnerability, so much fucking confidence. I want to own all that. Own you.”
“But you’re not ready for someone to be yours again, are you?” He’d lost the last person—well, last two people if you included their unborn child—who’d been his. And though the woman’s death hadn’t affected him to quite the degree I’d thought, it was still a factor here.
He palmed the side of my neck. “I want to be ready. Can that not be the important part? Some shit is still fucking with my head, but I’m working through it. I am. I have to, because I can’t walk away from you, Maya. Nor do I want to.” His grip on my neck tightened a little. “You’d have every right to tell me to leave and not come back until I can swear that I’m all in this. But I’m asking you not to do that.”
It would be emotionally safer for me if I did, because then there’d be no chance of me falling deeper into something that might later come to nothing—a lot depended on if he could truly commit to me at some point. But if I asked him to keep his distance until then, it would be like punishing him for feelings he had no control over. I couldn’t do that. Couldn’t hurt him that way.