The Cat's Pajamas

“Not yet, sir.”

“My God, if the networks ever found out we’d be road-kill.”

“There was a call from CNN an hour ago, wondering what’s going on....”

“Send someone to shoot them.”

“We can’t do that, Mr. President.”

“Try.”

The president turned back to the thirteen senators. “All right, tell me just how you managed to give away our purple mountain majesties and fruited plains.”

“Not outright, the whole kit and caboodle,” said one senator. “It happened piecemeal.”

“Piecemeal!” shouted the president.

“We started slow and gained speed. We played poker at first, but got excited and moved on to blackjack, but then roulette seemed best.”

“Roulette, sure. That way you lose everything fast.”

“Fast,” the senators agreed, nodding.

“Anyway, you know how it is when you’re losing, you double your bets. So we doubled up and offered the Indians North and South Carolina, and by God, we lost them too. Then we drank some more and got excited and offered them North and South Dakota, and lost!”

“Go on,” said the president.

“Then we bet California.”

“That was a double bet?”

“Yes, sir, California is really four states: north and south, Hollywood and L.A.”

“Oh,” said the president.

“Anyway, in a few hours we lost about everything and someone had the idea that maybe we should call Washington, DC.”

“I’m glad you thought of that,” said the president. “Smith, is any of this crud legally binding?”

“Only if you consider the reactions of France, Germany, Russia, Japan, and China, Mr. President.”

“Okay. Are there any lawyers in this damn casino?”

“Sure,” said the attaché. “Two hundred of ’em at poker upstairs. Shall I get one?”

“Are you nuts!?” said the president. “Within hours we’d be up to our chins.”

The President sat for a long moment, his eyes closed, gripping his knees, white-knuckled, as if he were running blind into a mountain.

He wet his lips half a dozen times, but only when he clenched his knees tighter did the steam come out of his mouth in a hiss and sputter. “Of all the stupid, dim-bulb, halfwit, half-ass, crazy—”

“Yes, sir,” one of the senators said.

“I’m not done!” the president cried.

“Yes, sir.”

“Of all the damned silly, blind—”