“Romantic literature.”
“Yeah, right, whatever.” Andrew turned to the wall with a board marker in his hand. He wrote the words “What women want” on the paper behind him.
Josh pointed at the paper. “Wasn’t that a movie? Didn’t Mel Gibson already figure this out?”
Caroline elbowed him to shut him up. The sooner his father got this over with, the closer they were to him leaving.
Andrew tapped the paper. “After doing some research, I’ve got the answer to this. The real answer. Not some Hollywood version of it.” He looked at them as though he was waiting for something. Caroline wondered if it was applause.
“Okay,” Josh said. “I’ll bite. What do women want?”
“According to all of these books—” Andrew swept his hand towards the piles he’d been skim-reading—“women want three things from their men.” He turned to the first piece of paper. “They want big romantic
gestures.” He wrote the words down. “The kind of thing that makes most men gag—writing in the sky, stadiums full of flowers, that sort of rubbish. The bigger, and more public, the better. And if that isn’t enough, they need the man to explain why he’s doing it. In detail. He has to tell her why he loves her and why she’s special at the same time.” He pointed his pen at them. “We’re talking all the things men would rather vomit than say—you know, things like ‘you’re so pretty, you have dainty feet, you make great apple cake.’ Whatever gets them to tear up and go all mushy is perfect. Apparently women can’t figure out for themselves why a man wants to be with them, so they need to hear it from the horse’s mouth.”
Caroline gaped at the man. Josh seemed highly entertained. Caroline wondered if he was going to put his father on pause and fetch some popcorn.
“Second.” Andrew turned back to the wall and started to write again. “They want a man who’s forceful and in charge—like a caveman, but wearing a suit. The suit is important. It needs to be tailored to fit, and it helps if there’s a six-pack under it.” He lifted his T-shirt to show off his stomach. For a guy of his age, he was definitely toned. It gave Caroline high hopes for Josh in the future. “What do you think? Do I need to do some sit-ups?”
They looked at him blankly.
“Never mind.” Andrew dropped his shirt. “Anyway, the books call this caveman stuff being ‘alpha.’” He made air quotes. “Basically, he’s a bastard who does what he wants but is sexy while he’s doing it, so he gets away with it.”
Caroline closed her eyes briefly as Josh’s shoulders began to shake beside her. At least he kept his hysterics quiet.
“I wish I was filming this,” Josh whispered. “We should get him to run seminars.”
“Lastly”—Andrew frowned as his mouth pursed—“women want kinky sex.”
Caroline almost choked. Josh reached behind her and thumped her back.
“Sorry,” Andrew said. “This isn’t really a discussion for mixed company, but I figured you’d be fine with it seeing as you read this crap. Sorry. Romantic literature.”
There were tears trailing down Josh’s face from his silent laughter. She narrowed her eyes at him. He shrugged helplessly. “Don’t let this worry you. I take after my mom.”
Andrew wrote “kinky sex” on the last piece of paper pinned to the wall.
“Women want to be tied up and tortured. But not in a malicious way. It’s supposed to be sexy torture. I can’t go into detail”—he nodded in Caroline’s direction, implying he was being circumspect for her benefit—“but let’s just say that there are things in those books that made me blush—and I used to work in the shipyards.”
Josh shot Caroline a heated look. “I think I need to read these books.”
Her cheeks burned.
“Anyway,” Josh’s father continued. “Apparently spanking is the in thing.” He consulted his notes, making Josh laugh again. “Sensual spanking,” he corrected. “And blindfolds are popular too. And you’re supposed to make the woman call you ‘sir.’” He blinked hard. “I don’t see that one flying with your mother, but what the hell, I’ll give it a try.” He studied the pieces of paper on the wall. “So there you have it. Women want romantic gestures, arrogant cavemen and kinky sex.”
He folded his arms, incredibly pleased with himself. “What do you think?” Andrew gestured to his list. “Caroline. You’re a woman. I’m right about this, aren’t I?”
Josh turned towards her with mischief in his eyes. “Yes, Caroline, tell us. Is he right? Is this what women want?”
Caroline blustered. “Um, well, you’ve definitely done a lot of work.”
Andrew stood there proudly. Caroline almost didn’t want to burst his bubble.
“But these books are fiction.” She glanced at Josh, hoping for help. She didn’t get any. “If you railroaded a woman in real life, the same way some of the heroes do in the books, you’d get smacked on the head, or shown the door.”
Andrew frowned, clearly unconvinced.
“And, um, not every woman wants to be tied up, or um, spanked.”