Goody Two Shoes (Invertary 2)

When Josh McInnes realised that his wife had gone into labour, he did what any self-respecting celebrity would do and called his manager.

“Caroline is having the baby. Right now. And we need to get the midwife.” Josh had him on speakerphone while he pulled on his shoes.

“Then why are you calling me?”

“He’s got a point.” Caroline was calmly checking the battery on her e-reader. Josh was pretty sure that there wouldn’t be time during labour to read a book, but he wasn’t going to tell her that. Since she’d given up her work at the community centre, she’d filled her time with researching Invertary history and reading dodgy romance novels. Well, that and running the town.

He turned his attention back to Mitch. “Pyro and a bunch of his paparazzi mates are camped at the gate. I’m worried the midwife won’t be able to get into the castle.”

“Then why not call, Lake? What am I supposed to do about it?”

Caroline doubled over the bed as another contraction hit her. How could she be so calm? When the pain passed, she shouted at the speakerphone, “Don’t worry, Mitch—it’s his automatic reaction to call you when anything happens. We’re hanging up now to call the midwife.”

“We are?” Josh wasn’t sure the midwife could deal with Pyro.

“Hang up, Josh. See you later, Mitch.”

Josh pressed the end button before Mitch could reply.

Caroline smiled at him. She was even more beautiful than the day he’d met her. “Call the midwife. And call Betty. She knows what to do about Pyro.”

“Betty?”

“Lake’s on another job. I made arrangements with Betty.”

“But Betty?” Josh stared at her.

His wife was in labour. The baby was coming. And he wanted her to call an eighty-seven-year-old woman with an attitude problem?

“Josh. Dial the phone now or you’ll be delivering this baby.”

He dialled the midwife. “I’ll be right there,” she promised before hanging up on him.

“We should be in a hospital.” Josh knew there was no point bringing it up, but he couldn’t help himself. They’d been arguing about this for nine months.

“The nearest hospital is an hour’s drive from here. Plus I want to have our baby at home.”

“What if something goes wrong?”

“Calm down, Josh. It’s just a baby. Women have been having them for a very long time.”

“They haven’t been having my baby!”

Caroline waddled over to him and pulled him down for a kiss. “You need to call Betty.”

“Damn it.” He dialled the wicked witch of Invertary and put her on speaker. “Betty, it’s Josh. The baby is coming.”

“Say no more. Operation Stork is good to go.”

“Operation Stork?” He could feel his blood pressure rise as he asked the question.

Betty cackled before he heard a dial tone.

“It’ll be okay.” Caroline bent over the bed again. “Rub my back. The midwife will be here soon.”

Josh wanted to run screaming around the building until someone who knew what they were doing turned up. Instead, he rubbed his wife’s back.

“This is the last child we’re having.” He’d get a vasectomy if that was what it took. He wasn’t going through this again.