Was he right?
Would I have to give up being a PhD student?
Would I have to choose between being a mother and a PhD student?
I couldn't accept that. I wouldn't accept that. Maybe I'd have to wait a semester, until I was feeling better and had adjusted to being a new mother, but I was not going to give up.
My PhD supervisor promised me, when we talked about it after I discovered I was pregnant, that I could apply for a leave of absence, have the baby and return as soon as the year was up.
I got on the phone and called her right away.
Of course, she was angry.
"That's totally unacceptable for him to say that to you. I think it's against our employment equity terms to even mention a student's marital status or pregnancy. You let me deal with this, okay?"
I bit my lip, concerned that I was making more problems for myself.
"I don't want to cause any problems," I said, not wanting this to blow up in the department and for me to become a pariah. "I think it's best, considering my morning sickness, to just finish up my current class and then take a leave of absence for a year while I figure out this motherhood thing. I'll be nursing and recovering from the delivery, and adjusting to sleep-deprivation, based on what I've read. I won't be at my best."
"We make accommodations for students based on disabilities all the time," she replied. "We should support our students when they become parents as well. It's just so damn unfair. How can we expect to attract the best and brightest if we say, come here but don't get married or have a baby or any kind of real life?"
I smiled at the fervor in her voice. She was really a great advocate for me, and I appreciated it.
But if she raised a sti
nk, it would make people think I was a problem instead of an asset. I didn't want to be the one everyone talked about behind my back. No one would want to work with me if that was the case and it might go on my permanent record as an employee.
"Don't worry," I said and tried to sound happy. "This is what I want. I really do want to give my studies all my attention when I am able to, but the life of another human being has to come first, right?"
She sighed heavily on the line and I knew she wanted to go to bat for me in the department.
"I'm just afraid that if you take a leave now, you won't come back and we'll lose yet another promising female student because of this."
"If I don't come back, it will be because I chose not to, so don't worry about that. I'll be fine either way."
I said it and I finally felt it. I'd be fine. I had Luke. I could take a year off. Hell, I could take two or three. I could transfer credit somewhere else if Columbia didn't want me back. There were other reputable International Relations programs."
"I hate to see you leave over this," she replied. "But if that's what you really want, I'll support you of course. I'm sure he will be happy to have you finish the self-directed class. You can come back in 2021."
"That's perfect. It will give me time to adapt and get my life as a new mother in order. Thanks for all your support."
We said goodbye and I ended the call, sitting in the living room alone for a few moments, absorbing the fact that after May, I'd be on a year's leave of absence from the PhD program.
I had been working so hard for so long on my studies that I felt a bit strange at the prospect of not being a student, but I just had to keep telling myself that Columbia wasn't going anywhere and the program would still be here in a year, in five years -- hell, in fifty.
With that in mind, I went back to my bedroom and lay on the bed, switching on the flatscreen to watch another episode of Watchmen and get through the day until my morning sickness lifted.
When Luke came home hours later, he was not happy to hear my news.
"What?" he said and sat down beside me on the sofa, where I was currently lounging with my laptop. "He said what to you? That old bastard... I'll call my lawyer and we'll sue the bastard for employment discrimination based on sex."
"No, no, no," I said and held up my hand. "I already spoke with my supervisor and she agrees that it's best to just take a year's leave of absence. The program and my spot in it will still be there in 2021."'
He shook his head. "It's not fair. They should just let you trade off with someone who has an afternoon seminar..."
"I already did, but I had to miss a couple of those because the sickness is afternoon now, too."
"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry..." He leaned over and kissed me tenderly. "Are you still feeling sick now?"