I smiled and put my cell away, glad I had such a good best friend. Whatever happened in my life, I knew she had my back.
Of course, I called Sharon right away and asked if I could take Friday off since Steph was going to be in town.
"I promise I'll make it up to you," I said. "I'll come in and work on the weekend next week. Put in the time."
"That's okay," Sharon said. "Have fun."
I leaned back in my chair and smiled, imagining the fun we'd have looking for dresses. This time, unlike the last, I knew I'd be wearing it for real instead of taking it back like I did with the dress I bought for the wedding I had planned but never went through with.
Although Josh and I had only known each other for a short time, I felt like I really knew him, knew his heart, and that made all the difference.
16
Josh
Tuesday couldn't come soon enough.
On Tuesday morning, I tried to sneak out of bed without waking Ella, but as usual, she was a very light sleeper and her eyes opened when she felt movement.
I kissed her as she lay snuggled under the covers.
"Good morning, sleepyhead," I said and smiled as I nuzzled her. "Don't get up. I'm going for a ride."
"You're going this morning for the test, right?" she asked and stretched her arms over her head.
"I am," I said and sat on the side of the bed. "You still have an hour before you have to get up. "Go back to sleep. The alarm's set."
"Okay. Ride carefully."
I tucked the blankets around her and kissed her once more. Then, I got up, determined to get in a ride around Central Park first thing to clear my mind. I'd lain awake for hours the previous night, thinking through everything, worrying about the test results and what it would mean for me, for Ella and for my child. I hated the thought that my son or daughter would be raised separately from me.
I brushed my teeth and then dressed in my riding suit. Then, I filled a water bottle and slipped on my shoes and helmet before hitting the elevator button, my bike in hand.
As I took the elevator down to the lobby, I thought about my own life. I had loved my father deeply growing up and had been so privileged to have him with me my entire childhood and most of my adulthood. The thought of my son or daughter living with me as only a part-time father who only saw me on every third weekend was depressing. When I had imagined falling in love and getting married, it always included having children and being a father to them -- an involved father just like mine had been. Big dinners around a formal dining table, picking them up after school and doing baseball practice on the weekends. Teaching them how to do things, like change a tire or how to ride a bike. All the things my father had done for me. While I knew a mother could do those things just as well as I could, it would be my son or daughter.
I wanted to be in their life, no matter what.
It made me sad to think of a child growing up and not living with their biological father. Seeing me on weekends and alternating holidays -- or whatever arrangements we eventually made -- wasn't good enough.
I was determined that even if I couldn't live with my child, son or daughter, I would be the best father I could be, given the circumstances. I would make our time together special. I would prioritize spending time with them. It wouldn't be optimal, but it would be the very best it could be.
Outside, the streets were busy with early-morning pedestrians and cars were already backed up due to traffic. I hopped on my bike and started my journey around the park, the cold air waking me up. Overhead, the sky was clear, and soon, I'd be able to see the light from the sunrise. I decided to ride along
the Hudson instead of the park, wanting to see the water. It wasn't very busy, so I had the lanes mostly to myself. The ride was meditative, and soon, I'd worked up a good sweat.
When I arrived back at the apartment, I was soaked and went right into the bathroom after parking my bike and removing my shoes and helmet.
"I have fresh coffee waiting and there's some bagels and fruit," Ella called out from the kitchen. "I'm on my way to the office."
"I'll stop by later," I called from the bathroom. "Before I go to the lab."
"Okay."
I had a quick shower and then dressed in a grey suit and white shirt, a black tie finishing the outfit. I went to the kitchen and ate a bagel with cream cheese and some of the fruit Ella had cut -- bananas, orange slices and pineapple. I filled my coffee thermos and then went down to my office, saying hello to my staff on the way. I popped my head into Keith's office and asked if we were still on for the three o'clock meeting.
"You're the boss," he said and glanced up from his computer screen.
"Okay," I said and held up my cup of coffee. "I have a meeting downtown this morning, but I'll be back after lunch. If you need me for anything, I'm always on my cell."