I don't want to be alone.
In truth, I want Jon with me. But if he can't at least say he wants to be exclusive and won't pick up some woman he meets while he's away on a trip or when he's out and I'm not with him, I can't be with him.
That's my bottom line.
My pride intact, I turn on the flat screen and lie on the sofa but my eyes are filled with tears and the screen is too blurry to watch.
Chapter 14
JON
I drive like a maniac down the road from India's place by the Bay. If she could only just relax and let things happen between us, exploring what we can be together rather than trying to force a shape on our relationship, we'd be in bed right now, fucking our brains out.
I only want India. I don’t want any other woman. I won't be with any other woman. I want India and only India.
Why isn't that good enough for her?
She wants me to say the words – Yes, I'll be exclusive with you – like it's a clause in a contract.
I don't want any other women. I won't be with any other women. I want her and only her.
What's the difference?
I pull over and take out my cell.
JON: I only want you. I don't want any other women. I won't be with any other women. When that's good enough for you, I'll be waiting.
Then, I turn off my cell and put it away. I'm not going to check it obsessively and see what she's written in response. If my statement isn't good enough, it isn't good enough, but that's how I feel.
The ball is in her court now.
I turn up the volume on a satellite radio station. It's one of India's favorite stations, Seventies Gold, and the song playing is “Baby Come Back,” by Player.
Damn.
I turn to another station, Classic Rock. “I'm Not In Love” by 10cc.
Jesus.
I turn to a metal channel. Metallica, “Nothing Else Matters.”
FUCK!
I turn off the radio completely and drive to my place in silence.
I prowl my apartment, stalking it like a lion in a cage, wanting to escape and run free.
So, I go for a run, the way I do whenever I feel too much mental energy and need to sleep. After slipping on my shorts and sweatshirt and my runners, I take off along the streets bordering the waterfront. The night is pleasant, so I run without any effort. After about twenty minutes, I sit along a pier and watch the ships. I watch the sky, and see several planes flying high, bound for the Pacific Rim. I listen to the waves lapping along the base of the pier.
I want India.
Everything was going along so fine between us.
What the fuck happened?
I get back up and run home. I'll take a shower after I've sat in front of the television and cooled off.
Dammit.