“Hi,” said a familiar voice. It was Vanessa, the marathon running pediatrician from Atlanta. I saw everyone, even Caj, take notice. Vanessa was wearing a long black gown with spaghetti straps. Her hair was up in a twisty knot that looked messy chic and showed off her long neck and dangly, sparkly earrings.
“Emma,” she said, giving me a hug. “It’s so great to see you again!” The other girls looked jealous that I knew her. I returned her hug and opened my mouth to speak, but was cut off by a familiar, booming voice, overtaking the room.
“Hey, hey, hey, you bitches and hos! I’m Shar Shallahan,” barked my nemesis. I froze, afraid to turn around. “The winner’s here! Yes sir, bitches, that’s me. Threatened much? You should be now that I’m here,” she remarked to the room as a whole.
I sat down on a sofa and sipped my champagne, trying to avoid her beady eyes. All the glasses had little charms attached so we could tell them apart. The charm on mine looked like a green, sparkly grasshopper. I pretended to be enthralled by it.
“I remember you,” said Shar, pointing a dagger finger nail at me. “I didn’t think I’d see you again.”
“Surprise, here I am,” I said. I looked around for Nickie, sensing that, like dogs, they would either form a power pack or take each other down.
“Is there a television we can watch?” asked one of the women.
“Bellamy is going to come inside as soon as the last girls arrive, and then you will get to meet him some more. So if you’re bored, just wait. It will get very exciting soon,” said a producer.
“I’m not bored,” whined the woman. “I just like TV.”
“I can barely function without my cell phone,” said someone else.
Then everyone chimed in: “Tell me about it! I feel so unplugged.”
“I so agree! This isn’t even civilized.”
“I’m not gonna make it.”
“Ugh! Me too! I’m suffering from withdrawal.”
“Anything could be happening, and we wouldn’t know.”
“My sister is pregnant, and
they wouldn’t even make an exception for me. I mean, what if she, like, has a miscarriage?”
“That is terrible.”
“I can’t believe they did that to you!”
More contestants filled the room, including Shyla, the dog-grooming wannabe actress, and Mylar, the single mom. The decibel level of the room grew louder and louder. The overwhelming aroma of perfume, expensive and cheap, was making me lightheaded. The champagne was bubbly and delicious. It seemed much more expensive than what we had been drinking earlier in the evening, though I really wasn’t much of a champagne judge, having never had it many times before this recent onslaught. I began to feel like I was detaching from the hubbub of the room. Hovering over it, almost. I was impressed that I wasn’t yet puking. Hi God. Please don’t let me puke, I prayed. Everyone sounded so nervous. It was enough to make a person’s head spin. Suddenly we were all quieted by the light clinking of a spoon on a glass.
“Hello,” said a bright, excited woman’s voice. We all perked up. It was Catalina Cartwright, the hostess of the show! She looked tall, thin, and gorgeous in a fringed purple dress that was short in the front and long in the back. Not my style; a little too trendy. But it looked good on her.
Cameras were suddenly everywhere. “Welcome! Welcome! You at home, out there all around America, welcome! Love-seeking ladies to my left and right, welcome! Listen up, folks! We have the most diverse crowd of love-seekers ever this year!” she exclaimed. “Lovely women have come from all corners of the country, including Alaska and Hawaii! We even have some international girls!” The cameras focused on two girls I hadn’t met yet. “Angélique comes to us from Paris, and Jessica comes to us from Australia!” Both women smiled confidently. “We really believe that Bellamy is going to find love with someone right here in this room!”
We all cheered.
Catalina Cartwright continued, now looking pensive and speaking slowly, deliberately, “Bellamy is so ready for love, and has so much to give, and after his heartbreak over Alanna Rutherford,” she paused expectantly, as people holding cue cards suddenly appeared, ducking down below plants and behind furniture, out of view of the cameras. The word Boo was written on the cue cards in big, bubbly, black magic marker. It reminded me of the cue cards on The Newlywed Game. I wondered if the same person wrote all cue cards. Like puppets, we all found ourselves booing. Catalina Cartwright nodded and continued, “After that, all of America is ready to see Bellamy find the love he deserves! This season has been coined Bellamy’s Redemption, since it’s an opportunity for Bellamy to redeem himself! And you, lovely ladies, are our cast of amazing candidates! We’re so excited to have you, America is excited to meet you, and Bellamy is excited to love you! Yay! So, without further ado, I’d like to introduce… Bellamy!”
In he walked, blushing fiercely. Catalina handed him a glass of champagne and stepped out of his way.
“Hi ladies,” he said. He cleared his throat and took a sip of champagne. Then he took another. And another. He cleared his throat again. “Can you tell I’m nervous?” he said. We all politely laughed or sighed or made little It’s okay type sounds. Even Shar and Nickie resisted from screaming out. I noticed that Nickie’s head was getting puffier and puffier, and she had rearranged her hair to try to hide the damage. She actually seemed to have been shamed into silence.
“I am humbled to see all you beautiful women here, for me. Like Catalina said, I’m ready to find love, settle down, and start a family. I hope you’re all serious about this journey we are about to embark on. Now, that’s enough serious talk. Let’s all toast to love and adventure!” He raised his glass and we all did too, clinking with whoever happened to be nearby. I was next to Shar and I could smell her sweaty armpit. I avoided hitting her glass. Even that felt like it would have been more charity than I was willing to throw her way.
“I will try to talk with all of you tonight, but if time is going by and I haven’t spoken to you yet, please come find me. Okay?” he said to all of us. We all nodded.
Catalina Cartwright stepped back in and took control of the conversation again: “Our entire season has been generously sponsored by Deluxe Jewelers. That means that each episode you don’t get eliminated, you will also be receiving gorgeous jewelry!”
We all clapped and squealed. Cue cards didn’t have to tell us to do so; we couldn’t help ourselves.