Bellamy's Redemption

“Hmm? What, Bug?”

“I think I’m going to go to the ladies’ room. Would you like to join me?”

“No thank you. I’m still working on these crab cakes. Say, did you bring that receipt for the purple sheets?”

“It’s at home. Are you sure you don’t want to join me?”

“No, I went before we sat down. Remember?”

“Okay,” I said. I rose from my chair while the three of them continued with their meals. I felt a brief surge of annoyance. If I was Alanna Rutherford, everyone would have stopped eating, stood up, and stared at me adoringly, too distraught to eat until I returned. Well, whatever.

“Excuse me,” I said as I backed away from the table, prepared to be followed. Not one cameraman so much as shifted. Apparently they were all thinking what I was thinking and didn’t want to miss a potential big moment.

I made my way past the bubbling wishing fountain, past the stuffed grizzly bear, down the timber planked hallway towards the restrooms, and was just about to pass beneath the oxen yokes when I heard someone say my name. I spun around and there was Pete. Not the old Pete who had loved me, but the new and improved, styled-by-a-girl Pete. He looked strategically casual in corduroy pants and a long sleeved shirt. He smelled like cologne. I immediately sensed that Krissie was nearby.

“Pete,” I said.

“Emma,” he said again, now close enough to kiss me.

I took a step back. I was afraid I was going to throw myself at him if I didn’t. Having him so near and knowing I couldn’t have him actually physically hurt me. At the same time, some dumb part of my brain that hadn’t gotten the message that he was no longer mine was irrationally ecstatic to be so close to him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him. I realized I said it angrily, accusingly, like he was stalking me. I don’t know why it came out this way. I suppose it was the shock of seeing him. I felt a mindfulness prickling through my cells. The sleepiness that had semi-engulfed me all night was dissipating like fog as I became startlingly alive.

“Krissie’s got a work party. Her boss is retiring and I’m here with her. Listen, I need to talk to you. But, hey, what are you doing here?” He said it back to me a bit accusingly as well; perhaps it was me who was stalking him.

“Bellamy is meeting my parents. I’m sorry about yesterday. Please just forget it.”

“Oh. You’re here with him?” He gave me a quizzical look.

“Yeah. You didn’t see the cameramen?” I asked.

“No. I guess I missed them. We’re in a banquet room.”

“We’re in kind of our own area too.”

“Okay. I didn’t realize he was here in town with you.”

“He just got here this afternoon. So did my parents.”

“I thought the show was over for you. I was getting the impression you’d withdrawn yourself from the competition.”

“Oh. Really? Huh,” I said.

“So, what was that conversation you started yesterday all about if you’re here with him?” asked Pete.

I shrugged. “It was nothing.”

“It was nothing,” he repeated.

“Seriously, Pete, please just forget I said anything yesterday. It was totally inappropriate and stupid of me.”

“Okay,” he said, raising his eyebrows in a supremely exaggerated way. His response to me made me feel bipolar, ashamed, deflated. It was as if the old Pete, the one who used to know me and understand me, was gone. Now in his place was this new Pete who could only see my nervousness and quirks as instability. Suddenly, I just wanted to get away from him. If he wasn’t going to love me, I realized that at least for now I had no use for him, as a friend, as anything. I didn’t know what to do with him if loving him wasn’t an option.

I considered ducking past him into the restroom, but I felt like I had to offer some kind of explanation. “Seriously, I’ve just been really… confused,” I said.

“Okay,” he said again. He crossed his arms. What was he thinking? I couldn’t tell. It would be nice if he’d say something. Nice if he’d give me a break. Maybe he’d never been very nice. Maybe all that time I’d resisted him had been for a reason.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked.