“Well, you can always just stop drinking them, you know.”
“Can I?”
“Can’t you?”
“The ice cubes are frozen prune juice.”
“That’s gross.”
He leaned in for a kiss on the lips.
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
I rolled the window back up. It was starting to get much colder out.
He stood there, seeming less like the enemy than a sad and trustworthy dog.
You have to be married to understand how quickly it can change like that. And change back.
He waved as I pulled away. I was glad he wasn’t with me.
Chapter 18
Valencia and Van have the first two gravestones in our family plot. When they died my parents bought four plots: the two for my brother and sister, and two for themselves. My parents’ graves already have their names and dates of birth chiseled into the brown granite, with vacant spaces awaiting their dates of death to be filled in. Back when they did this, I asked why there weren’t five gravestones. They explained that I would want to be buried with my husband and it would happen so far in the future that I shouldn’t worry about it.
“What if I don’t have a husband when I die?”
“You will,” said my mother.
“How do you know?”
“Everyone gets married. Don’t worry about it.”
“Could I stay in Valencia’s place?” I asked. After all, it was empty. But they were saving it for her, in case someday her body turned up. The possibility of Valencia was a firmer placeholder than the reality of me.
I felt then and still feel that they should have bought another plot. Not a headstone, but a plot. A space for me. Who cares if it was expensive? Who cares if it would have seemed strange and morbid to the neighbors?
“Don’t feel bad, kiddo,” my dad had said. “Just be glad you’re up here instead of in there.”
“I want to be in there with them,” I said.
“Oh, is that what you think?” he said, not so kindly.
That was what I knew.
“Please buy me a spot too. I want to be with all of you.”
“You’re not actin
g very grown up,” said my mother, overhearing. I can picture her, looking haggard, looking like she could not take anymore.
“I just feel left out.”
“Will you listen to yourself? Think of what you’re saying. You should be very, very ashamed of yourself.”
“I just –“