Surviving Valencia

“It’s not ours, we rent it. But yeah, it’s ours.”

I almost pointed out how cute it was, but thought better of it. Then I almost made some stupid comment about his wife seeming nice, but had the sense to keep my mouth shut about that, too. There was no reason to point out how much he had to lose.

“Thank you,” he said. “I’ll see you at work.”

“Bye,” I said, careful not to accidentally add, I love you, Adrian. But I did. I already did.

“Bye.” He shut the door and walked to his front door, waving to me as I drove away.

That’s how the whole thing started.

Chapter 57

There was no getting past Adrian’s trip to Minnesota. When I was not hiding in the nursery and Adrian was not hiding in his studio, we made sporadic efforts to act like our old selves. We did so while holding our collective breath that no more detectives would show up, and so far none had.

In the evenings, like everyone else in our neighborhood, we walked our dog and cooked on the grill, trying to give the impression of two innocent, average folks. Days passed without either of us mentioning word of John Spade and the events surrounding him. When I occasionally tried to talk to Adrian about it, he would cut me off. “Now we’re safe,” he would tell me. “Let’s just try to get back to our normal lives.”

“I feel like I’m faking it,” I told him.

“If you fake something long enough, it starts to be true,” he reassured me.

It was not just the toppling of my ideals about who Adrian was that gnawed at me. I realized I had preferred being harassed and potentially hunted by one man to feeling like every policeman in the world was after us.

I began to make secret lists to calm myself. Pros and cons, my old trick. On paper, it did not look good:

Pro: I have a lot of clothes.

Con: I’m married to a murderer.

Pro: No one knows I am married to a murderer.

Con: I know.

Pro: People think I am married to a desirable man and have an enviable life.

Con: I am not someone who cares what people think. Wait. I guess that is not true.

Pro: Because of Adrian, I am not alone in the world.

Con: I was married out of pity. There’s no way that Adrian finding me was a coincidence.

Pro: Everyone thinks we are in love.

Con: Are we?

Pro: We are going to have a baby.

Con: I don’t want to have this baby.

Pro: Everyone loves a baby. Maybe I will love the baby. Maybe people will love me if I have a baby.

Con: Adrian is a very bad man. This baby’s father is a murderer. MURDERER.

Pro: We’re going to look at new cars on Tuesday.

Con: I feel like he is trying to distract me with material items.

Pro: At least we will have a new car.