Keir looked at the boys. “I don’t think we’ll all fit. It’s three hours to Glasgow. That’s a long time for three people to be wedged together in the back seat.”
“Don’t worry,” Reggie said. “We’re used to snuggling up together.” He gave a dirty cackle and shared a look with Albert, while Gladys went red.
“Please tell me they aren’t a threesome,” Keir whispered to Mairi.
“Sex club,” she whispered back. “You thought I was joking. But no. It’s all true.”
“Best time of my life,” Albert said, obviously being the only person over seventy in Scotland with perfect hearing. “No chance of pregnancy, nobody cares about STDs because we’re all dying anyway, and little blue pills to help with your performance anxiety—if you know what I mean.” He waggled his eyebrows.
“I need to wash my ears out with soap,” Keir said.
“If there isn’t enough space in back,” Mairi said, “one of the boys can ride with my crew.” She pointed down the drive.
Sure enough, three cars, two campervans and a scooter were coming up the drive. They parked haphazardly on the grass, and Mairi’s fake boyfriends poured out of the vehicles. They looked exactly like what they were: a group of sun-starved geeks out on a field trip—with a Wookiee.
Gladys patted her fake hair and looked up at the new arrivals through her lashes. “You never said we were having male company.”
“What the hell am I then?” Albert said. “Chopped liver?”
“They’re my fake boyfriends,” Mairi said. “I told them we were taking you to Glasgow and I’d be gone all day, so they decided to come along.”
“Boyfriends?” Albert elbowed Reggie. “I thought we were being radical sharing Gladys, but there’s only two of us.”
> “Maybe we need another man,” Reggie said. “Donald’s been desperate to get his hands on her. We should let him audition.”
“I am not hearing this,” Keir said. “It is not happening.”
“They aren’t real boyfriends,” Mairi told the old men. “They’re fake. Remember I told you about my job and all my online men? Well, this is them.”
One of Mairi’s guys, the one who’d been dressed as Captain Kirk the day before, came bouncing up to them with a grin on his face. “Why are we at a singles club, Mairi? I thought we were going to Glasgow. You must be assured that I will only be having eyes for you. I do not need any other women. You make my heart complete.”
“I think I’m going to vomit,” Reggie said.
Keir couldn’t agree more.
“Don’t worry, Amir,” Mairi said. “We’ve just stopped off to pick up Gladys and her men.”
“Men?” Amir looked at the three of them, then smiled at the older woman. “I can see why you are needing two men. You are definitely too much woman for only one.”
“Oh.” Gladys blushed, patted her wig and smiled at Amir. “I like him, Mairi. He’s the one you should marry.”
“No!” Keir, Reggie and Albert snapped at the same time.
Mairi shouted at her men, “Who’s ready for a fun day out?”
There was a cheer.
“I’d rather spend the day with you, my beautiful Scottish flower,” Amir said.
“I know,” Mairi said, her grin still in place. Keir wondered if her cheek muscles were beginning to ache yet. “But I thought you might like to experience some of my culture and get to know the place where I live. It would mean a lot to me.” She batted her lashes at the watching men, and they crumbled.
As they fell over themselves to tell her how amazing her idea was, Keir rolled his eyes in disgust.
“You’re beginning to look good, son,” Albert said.
“Tell me about it,” Keir replied.
“Okay,” Mairi shouted. “We’re going to the West End. There’s the Botanic Gardens, Byres Road—with all the cafes and shops...” She trailed off and whispered to Gladys, “What else is there?”