Windmera-Desperation

When Colin was done, he slapped her rump soundly and told her to straighten up, as they had a job to do.

Sara put herself together, put on her underclothes, all the while allowing Jimmy to suckle at her nipples. Oh, but she liked it and held his head in place. “Yes…like that,” she said as she got heated up again.

Colin laughed and pulled him off. “Later, we’ll have more, but now…we have work to get to and cash to be had.”

~ Seven ~

IT HAD BEEN A LONG walk from the vicarage to the little cottage near hidden in the woods near Godwin’s estate lands. She found herself breaking down as tears overtook her. Life had come out of the light and dragged her into the dark. Would Godwin be upset with her? No, he was never upset with her. Would he think she should have lied to her uncle and denied the truth?

She had thought she would one day live there with her child and that Godwin would have easy access to her. She didn’t know that she would be banished so soon from her uncle’s home.

She supposed her uncle was not wrong. She had behaved like a fallen woman in his eyes, and she knew that was what she actually had become.

&nbs

p; She climbed over the rolling hills, taking a shortcut through a farmer’s field, cutting the four mile walk along the road to just over three miles.

It was usually an easy walk, but carrying a portmanteau made it less so.

Her anger and her pride had made her defiant and carried her the first leg of the trip without feeling sorry for herself. Now, however, the enormity of what had occurred hit her straight on, breaking her braver resolve, and she cried right out loud.

Emotions ran high and then subsided as she tried to consider the reality of her future. She would be, once again, dependent on a man.

When her parents were gone, she had been dependent on her uncle. She could have stayed alone in the small home they had left her, but at her uncle’s insistence she had come to Cornwall and taken residence with him and her aunt.

She had made a complete mess of her life. It was her own fault, she thought now. It was punishment for allowing herself to love a married man.

Heather had never before been confrontational. She had never had reason to be. Why had she fought with her uncle? Why had she not thrown herself at his mercy and begged forgiveness? He would have made life hard for her. He would have monitored her movements…but then he would have discovered she was with child. Ah, then he would have sent her away. The outcome would have been the same.

Her uncle had made a very good point. She was the reason Godwin had turned on his wife and son. The fact that he and his wife were not in love, did not even like one another, didn’t matter. She was the reason he was suing her for divorce. She could not excuse her part in that.

She put down her portmanteau and rested her arm. Her belongings were not great, but the weight was beginning to strain her right arm. She switched the handle to her left hand.

She sighed as she thought of her untenable situation. She should have been more circumspect. But it was done, no sense going over it again and again.

It was her fault yes, but she knew in her heart that even if she had apologized and promised never to see Godwin again, it would only have put off the inevitable. She was with child.

She supposed that was what had triggered her defiance—the fact that she had none to offer.

Godwin would be so distressed when he returned. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid. She should have listened to him. He wanted to take her and sail to Italy and handle Sara from afar, through his attorney. She should have agreed. She would have had their baby while away and when they returned, everything would have been settled. Why had she not accepted to do that? Because, she answered herself, you were still trying to dissuade him from divorcing Sara, that’s why!

All this while, she thought she was living a fairy tale with Godwin. That was how he had made her feel. Perhaps her uncle was correct and she was wicked and selfish? Perhaps she should have left Godwin and gone home to the home her parents had left her long before she became so attached to him?

It was so hard to separate what was right and wrong when emotion and desire drives you to the brink.

All she wanted was to be with the man she loved. All he wanted was to be with her and raise their child.

Why had life done this to them—to them all…?

Reality now struck swift and hard.

She looked up from her cogitations and saw the cottage. It was lovely. A cream colored stone building that Godwin had purchased some weeks ago.

It housed a few bedrooms and a lovely sitting area, and she had actually thought she would live there, decorate, garden…could she still?

Her heart was heavy and her mind a mess. The awesome questions reared themselves for inspection. She was selfish, had been selfish to fall in love and then act on it. She was wicked. There was no other way to look at her situation. Her child might grow up to hate her? Oh no, no.

She put her portmanteau down in the small foyer and walked through the sitting room to the small hearth. There was enough kindling and firewood, so she started a small fire to chase away the chill from her body and the room. She shivered and hugged her cloak tightly as she waited for the fire to take.