99 Percent Mine

One of my knees unlocks at the thought. “Anyway, what the hell? Not a drop from the massive hole in the ceiling, but the kitchen has a water zit?” I point up at the heavy brown bulge on the kitchen ceiling.

Tom shrugs, unfazed. “Welcome to my life.”

“I counted four condom wrappers on the floor. I’m impressed, Darce.” Jamie booms it so loud I hear the flap of pigeons on the roof, and Patty yaps.

Tom melts clean through the floorboards.

“It was nearly five,” I whisper to Tom. “But . . . priorities.” I remember his hand twisting my hair, tugging on my scalp, begging me. Darce, Darce, no, okay, yes.

I almost feel bad for tormenting him. His coffee is spilling in a thin stream on his boot. Footsteps clomp up the back stairs, heavier than mine but the same cadence. The screen door slaps and Jamie’s back.

“Christ on a cracker, not even I’m that prolific. I’d give him a high five if I wasn’t beating him up. No wonder you were nearing total heart failure.” Jamie shambles in, coffee in hand. “Better let her recover this morning, Tom.”

“Yeah, Tom. Maybe you should go easy on me.” I sip from my highly appropriate mug.

I know this whole situation is high-stakes serious, but I’m hurting from holding the laugh in. “The virginity ship sailed many moons ago. I don’t get why you’re trying to be so macho and brotherly. It’s not impressing Tom.”

“Hey, I don’t see this mystery guy here right now, do I?” Jamie gives me a look and miraculously I don’t crack under it. “Any guy who just walks out on you after that kind of effort is a piece of shit. Can’t you find someone who takes you out for waffles the next day?”

“He definitely would. He’s just . . . busy. Wait, is that what you do?” I never once found a girl having breakfast in this kitchen. Maybe Jamie’s gotten romantic since moving to the city.

Jamie puts a hand on his hip. “You’re damn right I do. And I’m sure Tom would treat a woman better than that. What would you do if you saw some guy sneaking out of her room in the wee hours?”

Tom looks into his coffee mug, thinking. He can easily pass this test of Jamie’s. His eyes meet mine, and they’re brutal honesty. “I’d fuck him up.”

I give him a withering look.

Jamie nods at Tom, satisfied. “Just get someone decent, Darce. Tom and I want to get wasted at your wedding and grind on your bridesmaids.” He begins dancing, slow and sensual, with his mug held in front of him. He figured out when he was five years old that women love a guy who dances and it’s served him

well.

“Check out this body roll.”

It’s a good one. He doesn’t even spill his coffee. Tom and I laugh, which only encourages him. This is what happens at parties. Jamie gets carried away, there’s a ring of people clapping around him, and he ends up kissing a girl against a wall near the bathrooms.

I shake my head. “If you do a surprise choreographed dance at my wedding I’m gonna kill you, Jamie.”

“He would,” Tom agrees, his eyes fond. He loves my ridiculous brother.

Jamie’s grinning. “I’ll do one, with your hottest friend. Who is she?”

“You know who.” I wait and wait, until I’m forced to supply it. “Truly Nicholson, from high school. She’s such a goddamn peach. If I was gay, or the boy twin, I’d marry her.”

Jamie coughs wetly. I think he prefers his women a little sparse. Now the fun is gone.

“So, we want to tell you . . . No, wait. Tom, you do it. You’re good at asking her things.” Jamie regards me thoughtfully. “I bet she’d say yes to anything you ask her.”

“I’d say you’re right,” my mouth says without my permission. My toes are curling in my shoes.

Tom reboots his mainframe computer during a lengthy sip of coffee.

“Now that this is gone,” he says, meaning the wall, “I think we should turn the dining room into a third bedroom. This is a two-bedroom cottage, which isn’t as appealing for a family buyer. If we wanted, we could make it the master and add a small en suite. An extra room, an extra bathroom.”

Jamie finishes the thought. “Extra bucks. A lot extra.”

“Sure,” I say, and finish my coffee in one hot swallow.

“Wait, what? You just agree?” Jamie tags along behind me as I go into the kitchen.