Second First Impressions

“Watch where you walk,” Teddy shouts after her, up on one elbow. He’s got a hand caged over TJ. “Ugh, she’s not watching,” he mutters to himself before rolling back down onto my lap with a groan.

Every time he looks up and seeks eye contact with me, I know that complete dazzlification has occurred. I’ve got a date with someone called Brendan next week. Or was it Brandon? The sword guy. How could I think of anyone else when I have this person comfortably weighing me down?

Teddy says, “I was wondering if you’d like to come on a field trip with me and the Parlonis on Sunday.”

I watch his brow crease and his nervous lip lick. “Where are we going?”

“Alistair will be up at the new studio to check the progress of the fit-out. He mentioned it like he doesn’t think I’d want to go. I can kill two birds with one stone. Renata can get a quote from him on how much her true-love piece will be and whether he agrees to do it. She’ll finally stop hassling me about it. Anyway, come with us. They’re both going to fall asleep in the back seat. We can listen to this Heaven Sent podcast I found.”

He knows how to make things tempting. “With what happened last time, the alarm . . . I don’t think I can.” I see the disappointment in his eyes when he nods and blinks away across the lake without a word. I argue back anyway. “How could I just leave?”

“I’ll tuck in every resident. I’ll put a protective force field over Providence.” He turns his face back up to mine and my heart misses several beats. I start to die when he murmurs, “I’ll check that every single door is locked. I’ll carry you over my shoulder and put you in the passenger seat. It’ll be easy.”

“I still don’t know why you require me.”

“I’m nervous about seeing Alistair and I want to show off to you about which room at the studio is going to be mine. Why do I require you? What a weird question. I always require you.” He’s got that little line between his eyebrows again. “What exactly do you think is going on here?” He gestures vaguely around us and my heart squiggles with nerves. When I turn to look at the beautiful backdrop to this moment, I see something.

A golden bonnet tortoise is making its way over to us. I see some red on it, then relax when it’s not blood. It’s Sharpie. “Hey. Look. It’s Number One. Teddy, it’s my first tortoise.”

He’s smiling up at me from my lap. “You never forget a face? This girl is so cute,” he adds to himself.

I lean sideways and pick up the tortoise. He’s a healthy boy now, big as a paperback, kicking and protesting his midair situation with vigor. I look down at Teddy and try to suppress my smile at his rapt expression. “I’m just going to have a moment here with this tortoise, which might be weird, but who knows when I’ll see him again.”

“Have your moment.”

I say to the gimlet-eyed creature, “Number One, when I first picked you up, I didn’t know a thing. But you made me realize that I can still help without being a vet. You gave me hope. You were the one who changed everything for me and I hope we meet again someday. Let me just . . .” I put the tortoise back down on the blanket, take a few photos of him, and then rummage through my bag. Using my headphone cord, I measure across the shell and mark it with a hair clip. “I can record his size in his chart.”

When I let it go, Number One stomps off, fuming. “Letting them go is the hardest part. I was so careless. I should have known the marker would stain.” I apply hand sanitizer and wonder if this might be a good segue into convincing Teddy to release TJ. “Now that rare, precious creature is marked forever because of me.”

The combination of words I’ve chosen sound like a magic spell verse under this pink glitter swirl-sky. With the weight of this man’s head on my legs, I feel a swell of melancholy I could never have anticipated. And like always, because we share everything, Teddy feels it.

“You are not careless.” He says it with such quiet confidence that it salves that little crack in my heart.

“We’re lying right in the middle of all your hard work and kindness. Your mark is all over everything.” He looks at his tattooed forearm, then sighs up at the sky. “I wish I could be even a fraction of the person you are. Sometimes, I lose all composure when you look at me. You’ve got this look that just . . . levels me flat.”

“I’m not that great,” I say dolefully, and it makes him laugh. “Teddy, you’re a good person. I personally guarantee it. You’re very vain, but why wouldn’t you be.” I sift my fingertips through his black silk. “And you’ve done something no one else has.”

“What?” His eyes are full of starlight now. I cannot believe I have him here, holding me down, this rare, precious creature. He is going to break my heart when he walks off into the night.

“You stayed longer than any other boy.” I bend and press a kiss on his forehead. “For however long you stay, I’m glad I had you here. There’s no one else in the world who could compare to you.” These are words he loves to hear and I hope it’s because it’s me saying them. Now I’ve got to say something that might hurt him. “Do you think it’s time to let TJ go now?”

Teddy looks sideways at his tortoise, always at arm’s length. “I don’t think he’s ready.”

“I think he’s got to hit the road, just like Number One. And just like you will soon.”

“You always talk like you’re saying goodbye to me. Other girls have talked to me like I’m going to be a permanent fixture and it made me want to get up and walk out of rooms. But this is worse.” His eyes search mine.

“Worse, how?” I’m combing my fingers through his hair, and when I find no knots, I realize I’ve just been sitting here stroking him. “It’s okay. I’ve always known that you’re leavin

g.”

“You expecting me to leave makes me . . . itch.” He taps a finger on his chest, and without thought I begin to scratch him through his T-shirt. He’s laughing, he’s sad. “Stop always trying to give things to me. I don’t deserve your lovely scratching.”

He rolls off me and the loss of his weight on me is as dreadful as I anticipated. He picks up TJ and says to him, “Ruthie thinks you’re ready.” Then to me, “Are you sure I can’t take him with me? I’d take perfect care of him.”

I kneel up too. “I know you would. But he’s got to find a wife. Or a husband. I don’t actually know if that’s a male tortoise. This is where he belongs. I don’t think living his life in a tank in your new place will compare to this.”

We look up at the celestial dome forming above us as the sun sinks lower. The sky is a thousand shades of violet. A breeze skates over us. I can smell pollen and Renata’s perfume that Teddy is gassed to death in. (He calls it Spiteful Number Five.) There’s the sludgy mud of the lake bank and the wool of the blanket, too. Providence is safe, held in this cupped dome of silver pinprick stars, and maybe for tonight I can let myself rest.