My hand cramps after jerking off so many times. My cock is in pain, but it’s not from being sore, it’s because nothing would take away my need for her. The fact that I know she’s going to be right across the table from me has kept me pacing in my cell all night like a caged lion. I’m not sure how I’m going to control myself when I finally get to see her.
It feels like weeks instead of hours, but finally when the guard comes over to my cell and opens it up I’m on my way to her. My feet are almost as heavy as my heart. What if she takes one look at me and decides she was wrong? What if she’s built all of this up in her head and she realizes that she’s too good for me? Because she is.
When I get to the visitation room the guard walks me over to a table and uncuffs me. I’m considered a non-violent offender so I’m allowed to embrace my visitor once at the beginning and once at the end, but there’s no touching otherwise. I have to keep my hands where they can see them and someone will be watching us at all times.
I let out a sigh when I sit down at the metal bench and table. She shouldn’t be here. I glance around the room at all the prisoners waiting to see their loved ones and I clench my fists. She shouldn’t have to be among these men, and I know they’ll see her and be thinking about her later. Just like I will.
I drop my head into my hands and I don’t know if I can do this. Maybe I should just tell the guard I don’t want to see her and go back to my cell. I’m so goddamn selfish that I agreed to let her do this, but I’m having regrets. I can’t let this touch her.
“Rocco?”
The soft sound of my name has me jerking my head up and the sight that greets me is enough to knock the wind out of me. I can’t speak as I slowly rise from the seat and tower over her small frame. I’d forgotten how small she is compared to me, but I didn’t forget how beautiful she is. Her dark blue eyes are more powerful than the picture, because not only do they look into my soul but they see through every part of me. I’m raw in front of her and there’s no place for me to hide.
“Lizzy,” I say, and it’s like I haven’t used my voice in a decade. I can’t even remember the last time I spoke. Maybe I’ve been saving it this whole time for her.
Before I know what’s happening her arms are around my waist. I close my eyes as my arms wrap around her back and I press my nose to the top of her head. She smells like summer and lemons and she’s so clean and pure. The feel of her soft body against my big one is so drastic but perfect at the same time. I don’t ever want to let her go, but I hear the guard’s footsteps getting close.
Reluctantly I release her and we each take a side of the table. My arms are useless without her and I’m suddenly angry that she’s here. Doesn’t she know how much this is going to make me suffer? Before I didn’t know what it was like to touch her and now that I do, I’ll never be satisfied until I can do it all the time.
“Are you mad at me?” she asks as she looks up at me with big watery eyes.
“No,” I say, clenching my jaw. I can’t do anything right. I take a deep breath and shake my head as I look out the window and then back to her. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“I knew you were going to say that.”
Her hair is down and in soft waves and I long to sink my hands in it. I want to get her in the shower and wash it for her and then brush it when we go to bed. I have to close my eyes so that I don’t rip the table from the floor just to get closer to her.
“You’re so clean,” I say as I stare down at my hands on the table.
She laughs and I jerk my head up. “I took a shower.” She shrugs like I’m making a joke.
“I don’t want to get this place on you. You deserve better.”
“You deserve better too,” she says, and this time I meet her eyes. “It’s my fault you’re here.”
“Lizzy,” I say again, and I want to whisper her name into her ear while I’m top of her. “I’m here because I didn’t get a fair trial. I pleaded guilty because I knew they are all dirty and it would only drag everything out. They might even have put you on the stand. I didn’t want that. But I don’t regret for a single moment doing what I did. If I’m stuck in here for life, then it was worth it to protect you.”