Getting Real

“You are everything that’s real to me.”

“Look at me. This is me. This is my real life.” Jake flung his arms open to take in the dowdy room, his second-hand furniture and the cracked tiles on the galley kitchen floor. “I have ants, unpaid bills, an empty fridge and blown bulbs. I have a job I hate and a family that depends on me and no fucking idea how to get my life back on track.” He dropped his arms, slapping them against his sides, making Rielle start at the sudden movement. “And I’m no one’s charity case.”

Rielle closed her eyes to concentrate, to shut out the distractions. Of all the difficulties she’d faced, of all the fears she’d conquered, the thought that Jake might simply never understand, never forgive her, and never allow her into his life again in even the smallest way, made her feel a cold clutching terror. She would never find another Jake. Never know the same force of strength and calm, the same sense of kindness and courage as she’d found in him. She did what she always did when she was frightened—she dug down deep and fought as hard as she could.

“A man I loved with all my twisted, sinister heart told me he’d help me. And when I didn’t trust him, he showed me again and again with his unconditional love he’d do right by me.”

Rielle opened her eyes and stepped forward. Jake was right there in front of her. He was real, not a memory. She could touch his beautiful body again. She spread her hand gently across his ribs and accepted his flinch as a reprimand.

“You told me and you showed me, you loved me totally, completely.” She thought he might step away again but he held her eyes. “And I did the most fucked up thing I’ve ever done in my adult life. I threw that love in your face and I ran and I did it because I thought I was doing right by you.”

“Rie, stop.” He shook his head. He was looking down at her hand rising and falling on his breath.

“I did it because I didn’t want to drag you down, didn’t think I could ever be real enough, true enough, good enough for you.”

“Stop.” He stepped away. She closed her hand to keep his warmth in her palm.

She wasn’t going to let him go without breaking herself first. “I love you. I don’t care where you live or what you do. I want to be with you. Please don’t run like I did, Jake.”

He sighed deeply, his eyes were red veined and swollen.

“If you run, I swear I will chase you down, stalk you like a groupie and I’ll keep on coming for you until you forgive me or you force me to leave.”

Jake didn’t know how to tell Rielle that right now he was doing the most fucked up thing he’d ever done in his life. Pushing her away, without knowing how to stop himself. They were both breathing heavily now, as though each new breath taken was enough to keep them separated. He shook his head again and again, he couldn’t hear himself think through the goddamn roaring, through the crippling panic.

It was kiss or kill all over again. He had the choice. She was one incredible woman, provoking two extreme responses. She stood there, taking responsibility, facing up to his anger, admitting her fault, and giving him one last chance to jump into this thing and not fuck it up forever.

She was in his heart; she was in his head; she was his true north and he was so fucking lost without her, afraid his life would be pale and empty and half lived. He hated her. He loved her. He’d forgive her anything. He jumped.

“What you see is what you get, Rie.” He gasped. “I’m not like you, I can’t be anything else, I’m just this ordinary man.”

“There’s nothing ordinary about you, Jake. I want you. I don’t want anything else.” She pushed against his chest. “I need you to understand. I only hurt you because I loved you, because I didn’t believe I could change and I didn’t want to destroy you.”

Rielle looked up, and the honesty Jake saw in the depth of her green eyes took his doubt and gave it moth wings to fly away.

“This new you, do I get it all or just what you choose to show me?”

“All of me Jake, the goddess and the bitch.”

“I love them both. I always did. But if you ever shut me out like that again, I will kill you,” he said roughly, pulling Rielle into his arms. He crushed her hard against his chest and tucked her close to his frantic, panicked heart. He curled his fist in her hair, dragging her head back until he was kissing her with no restraint and the roaring in his head dissolved into notes of sweet music.

There were no more if onlys.

Jake’s kiss woke the fire in Rielle, changed the nature of the burn. No longer retribution’s price, no longer scalding her painfully, but lighting her where her body met his, inflaming her passion and igniting her future.

This was everything. What this man made her feel and only this man. And this is what she wanted. A chance to build a life and a home with this man who made her feel safe, who made her feel whole, who would challenge her and question her, love her and comfort her. And who’d let her be herself in ways she was only beginning to discover, in ways he’d always known were possible.

She knew they weren’t there yet. They weren’t anywhere together yet except bathed in hurt and soaped in tentative longing. But this was forgiveness. This was a fresh green start. And if they believed in each other, if they could learn each other all over again, they had a chance to spin something wonderful.

Straightening up to look at her, Jake passed a hand over his face. “I’m dreaming, right?” He rubbed his eyes, glassy with unshed tears. “I’m going to wake up and this is all going to be a nightmare I dredged up from the black pit of missing you like a phantom limb.” He sighed, and Rielle felt the weight of months of unrealised anguish in his voice. “Tell me you’re real, Arielle Mainline?”

She pressed both hands on Jake’s heart, trying to take a steady beat from him to settle her breath, to stop herself shaking. “I thought I’d lost you forever and that would be my punishment for hurting you.” She looked up at him, seeing his raw anticipation. “I love you so much it’s my reason to live, Jake Reed.” She thumped his chest as if to nail that truth to him, to brand him with her belief. “I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your worst nightmare, and I promise you I’ve never been more real.”

The End