Identity Crisis (Sam McRae Mystery 1)

“Not completely out in left field. I’m in a league.”

“Ah.” Another little factoid I’d never known about Ray. Things we never talked about, because we were so busy fucking.

Ray paused to examine a salt shaker. “I’ve been thinking about it, and maybe you’re right. Maybe the case should be reassigned to someone else.”

I looked at him. “But this case means a lot to you.”

“You mean something, too.”

Oh, please, I thought. I turned away, pretending to search for something in the cupboard. “I don’t know, Ray.”

He didn’t say anything. I pulled out a jar of peanut butter and began making toast. I poured two cups of coffee. He took the one I offered him, looking solemn. I got out the milk and sugar.

Ray poured milk into his coffee. “Were you with someone last night?” he asked, sounding tentative. “Is that why you were up late?”

I shook my head. “No, that’s not it. Look, we were always friends. My biggest fear was this would ruin our friendship.”

His eyebrows drew together, as if he were trying to solve a complex math problem in his head. “It’s not just about sex, you know.”

“Really? What else is there?”

“We have a good time. At least, I thought we did.”

I smiled, though I felt no great pleasure. “Yes, but ... something’s missing. I don’t feel like I know you.”

“What’s there to know?”

“Do we ever really talk about anything other than work?”

He considered this. “I thought we did. What’s wrong with work?”

“Nothing. It’s just ... I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it. It’s like there’s this gap between us and I can’t cross it.”

Ray nodded. He looked at me. “You’re not exactly easy to get to know either.”

I thought about that. “I guess you’re right. I suppose we have that in common. Still, I didn’t know you bowled. What’s your average, anyway?”

“One forty-five.”

“That stinks.”

He smiled. “Not in duckpins. It’s very high in duckpins.”

“See, I didn’t know that.”

We sipped our coffee.

“Maybe this is silly,” I said. “But it bothers me that I don’t know what we are. Friends? Lovers?”

“Both?”

“Can we be both?”

His eyes met mine, then looked away. Neither of us wanted to follow up on that thought. I ate my toast, sorry I’d mentioned anything, but glad it had finally come out.

Ray glanced at his watch. “I guess I should go.” As he slid off the stool, he said, “Thanks for the coffee. I don’t know what I’m going to do about the case yet.”

I ran my finger along the counter, picking up nonexistent dust. “Well, use your best judgment. Hell, it’s really not that great a case, is it?”