“I was on the table with my legs spread, in some ugly gown and I wore purple socks. I stared at my feet in the stirrups because I was afraid to look anywhere else. And then the doctor came in and the nurse stood at the end of the table and they were talking to each other about something stupid, something that had nothing to do with me or the baby or…”
She swallowed hard and fought to keep the tears from her eyes but it was no use. They pooled in the corners and slowly made their way down her face.
“There was this big machine with tubes and it was making this god awful suction sound. It’s all I heard. It was so loud it even drowned out the doctor and the nurse. And when she grabbed the tube thing and the doctor turned to me I froze. I tried to speak but nothing came out and then I tried to close my legs but they were in those stirrups.”
“Bobbi.”
But she held up her hand and he was silent.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been as scared as I was then, in that moment, because I couldn’t speak. The doctor must have seen something in my face because he stopped…he stopped what he was doing and wiped the sweat off my forehead and he asked me if I was sure. All I could do was shake my head, tell him no with my eyes, and then I started to cry and the nurse called for Betty.”
“Bobbi,” Shane said again. He reached for her but she stepped back, her eyes on his, her heart in her mouth.
“You need to let me finish. You need to hear everything. When I came to you that night, at your house, that’s what I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you that I didn’t go through with it. But then I walked in and found you with Jane and…”
“Oh, god.” His face was white. “I told you that you looked great and then I asked you how much money I owed.”
“Yes,” she said woodenly. “And I told you not to worry about it since it wasn’t your baby anyway. I told you it was Derek Danvers and then I walked out and left you naked with Jane Lawson.”
Crunch time.
“Shit, Bobbi. I…”
“It was pretty awful to see you with, Jane. But we weren’t together so don’t...I lied to you, Shane. It wasn’t Derek’s. I was never with Derek, not in that way. I just wanted to hurt you as badly as I was hurting.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “To see you in bed, in bed…with Jane Lawson was almost too much for me.”
She was quiet for a bit, letting the words sink in and when Shane finally spoke, she jumped.
“So, what happened to the baby?”
“I lost it about a month later.”
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“Oh, Bobbi,” he said, his voice full of sorrow.
Hearing the emotion in his voice was nearly her undoing. She held her hand up when he would have gathered her close. “There’s more,” she managed to say. “There’s more you need to know because earlier at dinner, when you were angry and upset and confused, I saw something else in your eyes and it’s that something else that kept me awake tonight. I saw hope, Shane, and it broke my heart.”
“What the hell are you saying?”
“I’m saying that you’ll never have a family with me. I can’t have kids.”
“I don’t understand,” he said slowly. “It was a miscarriage. It happens.”
“No. I lost the baby because I have something called endometriosis and because of that I had a tubal pregnancy. I only have one left and while the condition isn’t as bad, the chances of me getting pregnant are really low. Like five percent or less.”
Her voice was wooden. And god, she was cold. “So you see, if you want a family you better start looking for someone who’s all in one piece because I’m sure as hell not. I’m damaged goods.”
There. She got it all out, except one last thing.
“I’m so sorry, Shane.”
“Sorry?” he asked hoarsely. “What the hell do you have to be sorry about? You were young and scared and I was a fucking asshole to leave you alone like that.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Jesus Christ, Bobbi, I can’t imagine what you went through.”
“But, if I was strong enough to have been honest with you then maybe things would have turned out differently. You would have gone to college instead of jail and—”
His mouth on hers, stopped everything.
It stopped time and space and most importantly, it stopped the pain that had thrummed inside her heart for years. Shane’s hands were in her hair, pulling her into him as if he needed her so badly it hurt. His mouth spoke without words and he kissed her until her knees buckled. Until her head swam. Until the noise in her ears fell away.