“Really? I’m surprised.”
He yanked up his head. “What do you mean?”
Colleen’s chin trembled a bit, but she didn’t take her eyes from him. She swallowed thickly, as if working up the courage to speak, and when she did, her voice was filled with emotion. “She looked at you the way Cate used to. And you…” She stumbled over her words and shook her head as if angry with herself. Or him. Or the world. “You looked at her the same way.”
“Colleen,” Beck interrupted her. He couldn’t do this. Not with her. Not now.
“No. You need to listen to me, Beck, because it’s okay. It’s more than okay.” A soft smile lightened her face. “My daughter loved you very much. As young as she was, you were her world. But she’s gone, and nothing will change that or what the two of you had. She would want you to be happy, and I think she’d be upset if she knew you were hiding from the future because you keep looking to the past.”
“Colleen, that’s not me.”
“Isn’t it? You’ve been alone since she left us, and you’re a young man, Beckworth. Too young. I don’t want that for you, and neither would Cate.” She stepped back, her heart shining from her eyes. “Don’t be afraid to love again. Be brave and embrace it. If not for yourself, then for Cate, because she’s not here and she won’t have the chance. Ever.”
His eyes felt wet. He swiped at the corners, though he remained silent.
Colleen reached for his empty cart and, with one last look, headed for the grocery store.
Beck drove all the way to his brother’s place with the radio cranked because he needed the distraction. His heart thudded against his chest, a fast staccato that filled his ears and made him anxious. By the time he reached the Manchester house, he was buzzing with nervous energy.
There were several cars parked in the driveway, and he figured it was a full house. Molly and Nate had a wide assortment of friends. He slipped inside and headed for the kitchen, setting down his bags and the cake before returning to his truck for the soda. Once that was stashed in the fridge, he walked to the extra-wide garden doors and stood there for a few moments.
The deck was decorated in pink and blue balloons, with streamers blowing in the wind. His mom sat on his dad’s lap, her arm draped casually around his shoulders as he told one of his stories. Nate and Molly listened, along with her brother Zach and his wife, Jess, Molly’s parents and Beck’s grandmother, Hazel. The gang was there as well, guys they’d grown up with and the women they’d started families with. His dad’s story must be a good one, because everyone’s eyes were on him and there was much laughter.
Beck felt like the outsider he’d become over these last few years. Always looking in from the outside, that piece of the p
uzzle that was warped and no longer fit. Some ghost of a feeling had settled in his gut somewhere between the grocery store and his brother’s place. It was cold and dark and filled him with fear. It was something more than loneliness and had the bitter taste of regret.
He watched Nate lean over and kiss Molly, his hand on her large belly, heavy with the life they’d created together. He’d wanted that once. A wife and a couple of kids, and then it had disappeared in the cold reality of Cate’s death.
And yet…hadn’t it come back to life?
He thought of Sid and the way she bit her bottom lip when she concentrated, or how she twirled a piece of hair when she was nervous. How she laughed with no boundaries, a great big belly of a thing that filled a room with sunshine. He remembered the way her eyes darkened when he was inside her, how her hands dug in hard as if she was never letting go. And how it felt to hold her when she opened up and told him about the things that had nearly destroyed her.
She’d trusted him. She’d loved him. And he’d let her slip away. He’d stood there, that day she’d come to him, and let her walk out of his home. What the fuck was wrong with him?
He clenched his hands and took a step back from the blissful scene on the deck as realization hit. HIs actions weren’t about Cate, which was what he’d always thought. It was about self-preservation. About protecting himself from that kind of hurt again. He was a coward hiding behind the ghost of a dead woman.
Ashamed, Beck dropped his head into his hands and turned away from the garden door. Christ, he’d made a mess of things.
I love her.
Just then, Nate walked into the house.
“Hey, I didn’t know you were here. You need a beer?” Nate walked past him and headed for the kitchen. “I’ve got to find the big barbecue utensils. Apparently, I didn’t put them back where they’re supposed to go. Molly says I do it all the time, but I didn’t want to tell her she’s the one who used the barbecue last time. Might send her over the edge. So where the hell would she put them?” Nate glanced up and frowned. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.”
Nate closed the drawer he’d been searching through and walked over to Beck. “What’s going on?”
“I’m an idiot.”
“Well, yeah, but what’s going on?” Nate attempted a smile, but it fell flat. “You don’t look okay.”
“I screwed everything up.”
“Are we talking about the grocery order? ’Cause if you forgot the ketchup, Molly will blow a gasket. She eats ketchup sandwiches, for God’s sake. It’s the grossest thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve had to cross the border twice in the last month alone to buy ketchup chips in Canada. Honestly, those babies are going to pop out with red hair and red skin. You wait and see.”
“I got the ketchup.”