“Yeah.”
“You have a fight?”
I looked at him as if he’d lost his mind, and he held his hands up.
“Just asking.”
I shook my head. “We didn’t have a fight. We just…we just don’t fit anymore.”
“It happens.”
“Yeah.”
He cleared his throat. “I ran into Mike Lewis today.”
That had me sitting up. “Is Trevor okay?”
“He’s the same.” My dad blew out a long breath. “Mike told me you were there last Saturday.”
My eyes slid away. “I needed to see him, Dad.”
“I know.” My dad got up and walked over until his knee was touching mine. He bent forward, clasped my shoulders in the way that guys do, and I hated that all the pain inside me was bubbling, just there, just underneath my skin like invisible scars.
“They hate me for what I did.”
He ran his fingers across the top of my head, just like he used to do when I was little, and a big lump clogged my throat.
“It’s not hate,” he said roughly. “It’s…you have to understand the place that Mike and Brenda are living in is dark. Mike’s taking it out on you because he has no one else to hit. Right now, you’re it. You’re the face he sees when he’s in pain, but he’ll come around.”
“I should be lying in that bed, not Trevor.”
“No.” His voice was sharp. Sharp and rough. “Don’t you ever say that again.”
“It’s the truth.”
Something snapped in my dad. His eyes got all weird and his mouth was tight as he glared at me.
“I will tell you right now that I don’t want to hear that kind of crap coming out of your mouth. Understand? What happened is in the past. There’s nothing you can do to change what you did that night. It’s done. Finished. Do you understand?”
But he didn’t get it. I wasn’t so sure his answers were the right ones.
“It’s not over. Don’t you get that? No matter how much you all want it to be over.” My voice was loud, and I shifted away from him. “It’s all I can think about. It’s in my head every single day. If Trevor…” I had to stop for a second. “If Trevor doesn’t make it…” but I didn’t have the balls to finish my thought. I couldn’t say the words out loud, so I left them hanging.
“I know it’s hard, Nathan, but shutting yourself out and taking a vacation from life isn’t the answer either.”
“You don’t get it,” I replied. “It’s so much more than just a mistake. A mistake is putting milk in your coffee instead of cream, or calling the wrong play in a game.”
“I’m not minimizing what you did, Nathan. I would never do that. You made a mistake. You. All on your own, and it was one with tragic consequences. But you’re going to have to live with them. You’re going to have to deal with them.” His voice broke, and I felt the heat of tears stinging my eyes. “No one is perfect. Remember that.”
That was me all right. Far from freaking perfect.
“Yeah, well, my bad decision just might kill my best friend or leave him damaged for good. He’ll hate me forever.”
“Maybe.” My dad pushed away. “Maybe not. But whatever happens, we’ll deal with it. Your mom and I are here for you. I hope you know that.”
“You guys must be so ashamed.” We’d never really talked about this stuff before. After that night, when they’d come for me in the hospital, my mom had talked about everything except what had happened. And my father? He’d been real quiet. Scared.
“I’m not ashamed of you, Nathan. Don’t ever think that.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “I wish that you didn’t have to deal with any of this. I wish that Trevor was good and healthy and that you guys were off with the band playing a show tonight.”