A place where maybe I didn’t blame myself. I’m not sure if I would ever really not blame myself for what happened that day, but I was one foot in that direction, which was one foot farther than I’d been.
Who knew that all it would take was a southern boy and a meteor shower?
I relaxed a bit. My face felt tight, and I was glad it was dark because I was pretty sure I looked awful. My eyes felt swollen, my tongue thick, and I knew how blotchy my pale skin got when I was upset.
I felt Nate’s warm breath along the top of my head and turned slightly, resting on his chest with my eyes closed. I never wanted to leave here. If I could stay in his arms forever, I would, because right now, his forever was safe.
Several long moments passed. My chest tightened and then released as a wave of memories and images from that day crashed into me. I had only talked about it once, and even then, all of the little things—the things that mattered—I’d kept to myself.
But I didn’t want to do that anymore.
“Malcolm was full of summer, you know? He looked like my dad, with wavy, blond hair and these big blue eyes that pretty much guaranteed he got away with a lot. He had dimples, freckles across his nose, and he bit the inside of his cheek sometimes. It used to drive my mom batty.”
That was an understatement. My mom had tried everything to get him to stop, but nothing worked.
“It was hot that day.”
Nate stiffened, inhaling deeply and then exhaling as he continued to stroke my head and hold me.
My eyes were squeezed shut, and though I was here with Nathan, in Louisiana, in my mind I was back in New York City. I saw the blinding, relentless sun and felt the heat on my cheeks as I hurried down the sidewalk so fast Malcolm could barely keep up. He’d worn a Batman T-shirt and faded cargo shorts.
I smelled the exhaust from the buses and taxis and cars. Sausage from the vendors. Garbage piled up in the streets, waiting for the trucks to drive by and collect.
That afternoon, I’d been full of resentment and annoyance, and it killed me to remember those particular things. But I had to. I needed to get it out. I needed for Nate to understand even if I didn’t.
Because Nate’s pain was as real as mine, and maybe he could be saved. Maybe he’d never get to the place where I had been.
“It was wicked hot in the city, like record heat, and he wanted to go to the park. He’d bugged me about it all morning until I snapped. I thought he was doing it just because he knew I wanted to stay home. God, there was a Walking Dead marathon on, and I hadn’t seen the show yet. I just wanted to chill and watch it with my best friend, who was in the Hamptons with her family.”
I thought of my friend Kate. We would spend hours texting each other when we weren’t together. Boys. Songs. Gossip.
But that day it was gonna be about zombies, and I hadn’t seen her since the week before, so I was looking forward to painting my toenails, watching the zombies, and sharing all of it with her.
“Malcolm knew I didn’t want to go, but he didn’t care. I guess most seven-year-olds are kind of selfish that way.”
I could have said no. I could have told Malcolm that the smog and humidity wasn’t good for his asthma. But I didn’t. At the time I thought, “Okay, you little twerp. We’ll see how much you like it when you have trouble breathing.”
It was mid-July, and there were weeks ahead of us. With Mom and Dad working until vacation in August, weeks where I was in charge. I wanted to teach him a lesson. I just didn’t know it would all go so wrong.
“I remember Mick, the guy who sold sausages on the corner near the park, telling us we were crazy to be out.” I paused. “He was right.”
I had marched by, glaring at the back of Malcolm’s golden head, and I had thought, “You little shit. Just wait, buddy. You should have listened to me.”
“The funny thing was, when we got to the park, there were a lot of kids out. It was like a switch had been turned on or something. Malcolm gave me the biggest hug. His arms were thin—God, they looked like spaghetti noodles—but he was strong. He whispe
red in my ear, ‘I love you, Roe,’ and just like that, he made me feel like a total bitch for not wanting to bring him. I roughed up his hair a bit and told him he had an hour, tops.”
I paused, overwhelmed, and then whispered. “He was fine with an hour. After all that, an hour at the park was enough for him.”
Malcolm had run to the swings while I found a grassy spot under a tree and sat down. It was maybe a few degrees cooler but still so hot. I’d brought a book and lay down on my stomach to read. I didn’t mean to fall asleep; it just kind of happened. I read a few pages. Texted with Kate and then closed my eyes.
“I would give anything,” my voice broke, “anything to have not fallen asleep. I remember waking up and not knowing where I was at first. I felt the breeze, smelled the grass, and heard the kids shrieking and giggling as they ran through the water pad on the other side of the swings. I don’t know when I realized that something was wrong.”
I shrugged and burrowed deeper into Nate’s arms.
“Maybe it’s why I woke up in the first place. Some weird sense that something was wrong.”
I paused again, remembering how my stomach fell all the way to the ground and took me with it.