“I’ve never been with a woman like you.” He looked so earnest, so much like his nephew Liam that, that damn thing around her heart tightened again. Shit.
Lily held herself still and waited for him to continue.
“I’ve never been with a woman that I wanted to spend all my time with. I just…” He shrugged. “I just never have. I didn’t think she existed.” His voice lowered. “I didn’t think I wanted her to.”
Silence stretched between them, and Mackenzie rubbed the back of his neck.
“God this is hard,” he said roughly before nailing her with a look that she could only describe as haunted. “Things are great, hell, they’re more than just great between us, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I gotta be honest with you, Lily. If you’re thinking of anything long-term, I don’t know that I’m the right guy for you.”
A small sliver of hope erupted inside her. It wasn’t as if he’d said things were over. And maybe she shouldn’t have read too much into it, but it was so hard not to—so hard not to follow her heart.
“I don’t know that I can be the right guy for you. I don’t know what I am, Lily, but I do know that I’m not the white-picket fence guy. Jake and Cain and other guys I know, that’s them. But me? I’m just not.”
She opened her mouth to ask the question why, but he beat her to it.
“I don’t even know if I can explain why in a way that will make sense. I only know that the family blood running through my veins isn’t the kind of thing I want to pass along to anyone. The Draper’s are cursed, Lily. Christ, if you knew my father and his father before him, you’d get it. I’m not an angel. I’ve been the bastard that my dad is. I’ve been there before, in that dark place, and no kid should ever see it.”
He studied her for a moment, and she could see he how conflicted he was.
“About a year after I moved to New York City, I started seeing this woman. She was smart, driven, had a great job at a PR firm…and she liked to drink. The two of us together were toxic, and one night after an argument…” He closed his eyes and shoved his clenched fists into his pockets. “That night, she pushed me too far. She was flirting with some douche bag, dancing with him and behaving inappropriately. I could have been mature and walked away. Hell, I knew what she was doing. Things were cooling off between us, and she was trying to get a rise out of me. But instead of walking away, I got into it with the asshole when he followed us out of the club. I beat the shit out of him, broke his arm and put him in the hospital, and Jenna ended up with a black eye.”
He paused as if searching for the right words, and Lily’s heart went out to him.
“She said it was an accident, that I hadn’t meant to hurt her, and she got my elbow in the face when she tried to break up the fight.” He turned to her and Lily saw the anguish in his eyes. “It doesn’t matter though because what I do remember is the rage—the absolute rage that I felt, and I knew then that I was totally capable of becoming my father.”
For several moments there was silence, and then he spoke quietly.
“I made a decision right there and then that a wife and kids aren’t for me, and it’s something that I won’t change, not for anyone, because if I ever hurt a child, if I ever did what my dad did to me and my siblings…what he did to my mother, I don’t…” His voice broke, and he moved back, took another moment. “Lily, you’ve got me considering things I’d never thought of before, and I don’t know what the fuck to do about them.”
Lily’s clenched her fists together and decided to take the plunge. What the hell. It’s not as if she had any other form of attack other than the truth of what was inside her.
“When we got together, it was pretty much based on a strong physical reaction to each other. New Year’s Eve was off the charts, and these last few weeks have been amazing. Mackenzie, I’ve never felt that way with anyone, and I might have gone a little crazy, you know? You got me to step out of my comfort zone, and that’s not something anyone has been able to do before.” A ghost of a smile played around her mouth. “Except for Jake maybe, but he had to use damn near an entire bottle of tequila.”
Mac reached for her and tucked a long piece of hair behind her ears.
Lily inhaled deeply and then plunged forward before she chickened out. “You taught me that there is an entirely different side to me, one that I didn’t know existed—a side that I had pretty much given up on.”
She unclenched her hands, grateful that her chest was loosening up.
“I like that side. I like it a lot.” She watched him carefully. “I don’t know where we go from here, Mackenzie, but I can’t lie either.”
God, her stomach roiled so hard she was afraid she was going to be sick.
“I have feelings for you and they’re more complicated than what our so-called casual but exclusive sexual relationship calls for.” She watched the way his eyes darkened, the way his mouth parted slightly and his nostrils flared.
She decided that since she’d come this far, she may as well take the plunge and go all the way. Heck, the only thing she had to lose was her pride…maybe her soul…
Maybe her heart.
Mouth dry, she licked her lips and jerked when he stepped forward so that he was so close only a whisper separated them.
“I think that you might feel the same.”
“The same?” he asked, his voice a little rough.
Lily nodded. “I think that things aren’t so casual for you either.”
He was silent for a few seconds. “No.” He shook his head slowly, not taking his eyes off her. “They’re about as far away from casual as you can get.”