Even the Dogs

coroner: And he gave you the money for this?

laura: Yeah.

coroner: And you’ve said that you went to the petrol station on the city side of the ring road to buy food and drink for him, and for the dog, yes?

laura: Yeah.

coroner: All four of you went?

laura: No, just me and Mike.

coroner: And the other two?

laura: They went off to score. To buy drugs.

coroner: So. You and Mike went to buy the food and drink for your father, but according to your statement, you didn’t immediately deliver it to him.

laura: (inaudible)

coroner: I’ll note for the tape that you’ve shaken your head, and take that as a no. You say you were, and I quote, a bit sidetracked.

laura: (inaudible)

coroner: Can you tell me what you mean by a bit sidetracked? Did anyone deliberately impede you from delivering the food and drink you?

?d purchased?

laura: (inaudible)

coroner: Laura?

laura: (expletive)

coroner: Laura, would you prefer to take a short break at this stage?

laura: (inaudible) No. No one deliberately done nothing. I went off and done some gear and forgot about it for a bit. All right?

coroner: I see.

laura: We went off to the garage and bought the stuff, and when we came out Mike just done one, just like scattered up the road. Didn’t say nothing and I weren’t that bothered anyway. He does that sometimes. He’s a bit like unpredictable and that. No offence, Mike. (Inaudible interjection from the court.) I headed back up to the flat, but I bumped into Danny, and he’d just scored, and I was just suddenly desperate for a bit so I told Danny he could come and use my room at the hostel if he split his share of the gear with me. I was going to take the food up to the flat after but I forgot.

coroner: And did you regularly take drugs in the hostel? It’s not permitted, is it?

Nothing but questions in that place. In the rehab. Asking questions about way back. About families and. Sitting around in a circle in a room full of books and flipcharts with the breeze blowing through and the beech trees on the long sloping lawn outside. Posters on the wall going all like Today is the first day of the rest of your whatever. Some bloke going Let’s talk about your family now shall we. Are you angry about what happened. Who do you blame do you blame yourself. And what about your mother. How did you feel when her new partner moved in. What was it that made you leave home when you did. All these questions. And sitting there looking at the floor and biting her nails and looking out at the trees and the sloping lawn. Too much to think about. Too much to say. Going How do you think I felt. And the smart bastard going Well, Laura, it’s not about me is it now. Didn’t say nothing that first time. But thinking it over. A lot of time for thinking it over in there. And another day saying I just wanted to see for myself after everything my mum had told me about him. Saying She lied to me about other stuff so I thought she’d been lying about him and about them and about why we left. And another day going I thought he’d make me feel better about myself or something like. And everyone else in the circle mumbling agreement with her. Like they knew anything about. But that’s what it was like. Supportive and that. Patting everyone on the back for going And then he raped me or whatever. When who knew. Looking for answers and that, and the guidance bloke going Mmm I think we’ve made some real progress today. And Laura going When she said her and Paul were going to emigrate and they already had jobs lined up and they wanted me to go with them I was so angry I couldn’t believe it I was so. And someone else in there going What I miss most about the gear what I struggle most with now is I have to think about things I have to remember things. At least before it was all blocked out. I can take the rattles it’s just the dealing with stuff I can’t deal with. And everyone clapping like that was headline news or something. Like a revelation and. Someone else going It’s like when you’re on the gear all your emotions and memories are blocked up it’s like being constipated in a way and after a while it gets more comfortable like that like you don’t even want the shit to come out. And everyone laughing and clapping. And another day Laura going Thing was even though he was in such a state and what my mum had said was true I think I stuck around because at least he was honest and stuff you get me. The others in the circle going Well done, Laura. Looking out at the leaves and the blossom on the trees and the birds on the sloping lawn. A police car coming up the driveway. And then someone asking for her. Someone talking about her dad. And what was he thinking then. Lying on his back with one hand reaching out behind him and the other scrabbling away at the floor. Tell us that. Will you tell us that. Looking up at the ceiling. And did his life. Flash before his eyes and all that or what. What was there to. Sitting in that chair all those. What was he thinking can you tell will you tell.

laura: . . . on a reducing script since August or something, it was part of my order, and I was like basically clean and that, I was down to like fifteen mil. I was booked into rehab for the New Year, no one else knew about it apart from my keyworker and them lot. None of the others knew only they knew I’d been on the script.

coroner: But on this occasion you decided to take some, what, some heroin?

laura: Yeah. I just fancied one last go. And Danny had enough to spare.

coroner: So you went to your room in the hostel, took the drugs, and forgot to deliver the food until, when, the next day?

laura: I never took it.

coroner: You didn’t take the heroin?

laura: No I mean I never took the food up to him.