If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things

He said I know it’s none of my business, but.

I laid them out on the table.

I said oh it’s nothing, it’s just a bit embarrassing.

He looked at them, and he moved his fingers towards them and this time I didn’t flinch or pull away but he didn’t touch them.

He said what’s embarrassing, what happened?

I said I broke some plates.

I said actually I broke all my plates, I threw them into the sink when I should have been washing them up.

I kept picking up the pieces and throwing them back in and it was only afterwards that I realised I’d cut myself I said.

He looked at me and he didn’t ask me why I’d done it.

I said it had been raining a lot that day, I lost my temper.

He looked at me.

He said raining a lot?

I said yes, you know, it just all got a bit, and I couldn’t really explain and I laughed a little. I was embarrassed.

I thought I’d made myself look stupid.

He said and what else, apart from the rain?

I looked at him, I took my hands off the table and closed my fingers over my palms again.

He said I’m sorry, I know, it’s none of my business.

I looked at him, and I looked at his hands spread across the tablecloth, and I told him.

I told him that about four weeks ago I’d discovered I was pregnant.

That I was scared and horrified and numb with shock.

That I hadn’t been able to tell anyone for a long time and I wasn’t sure why it had been so difficult.

And that when I’d told my mum she’d been polite and indifferent and I didn’t know what she really felt.

I told him that I’d thought she’d be shocked or cross or upset, but that when she was none of these things I was actually unsurprised.

I told him I hadn’t even spoken to my dad yet, that I didn’t even know whether he knew.

I said that I wasn’t ready to have a baby.

I said that I didn’t know what to do.

I said all of this very quietly, and I was amazed to hear the words coming out at all, like butterflies wriggling through net curtains.

He asked me questions, tracing his fingers across the tablecloth as if it was a map.

He asked me for the details, he said stop me if I’m going too far and I didn’t stop him.

He asked me the questions my mother didn’t ask, the who is the and the have you thought about?