If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things

And he says but it was funny you know, it didn’t feel like a vigil so much, because of the talking, because after a time we started talking. Little things he says, pleasantries and distractions to ease the tension but by the time he died we were all in full flow.

He says it was strange but it seemed a good thing, that we could do that, just be a family and talk, not spend the whole time staring at him he says, and he stands up and leaves the room.

She watches him go, she listens to the awkwardness of his steps and the squeak of the bathroom door. She looks at his untouched slice of cake and she thinks about his unmentioned visits to the doctor.

He stands by the door and says he looked like a wax sculpture setting into the bed, and when he died he looked beautiful and I was glad to kiss him.

She says come here, come here.

She says what’s all this about?

He looks down at her and settles into the hoop of her arms around his waist, he says oh I don’t know love I was just thinking. She looks at his chest and she doesn’t need to say that she wants him to try again, she looks up at him and she waits.

He says, look, love, it’s.

He says, the thing is.

And after a while he unhooks her arms and moves away from her again, back towards the door. He stands there a moment, biting his lip and squeezing his eyes into sparrowfeet, and then he starts to turn back towards her. She looks at him, and he says the thing is love, when he died it was like he was getting better, do you see, and he’s looking past her now, towards the window.

Each time his breath softened he sounded more comfortable he says, his face got more relaxed. And then he was almost closing his mouth between breaths at the end he says, and everyone stopped talking and stood up. He talks more quietly now, he says and then he just, went. So slow he says, like a bottle filling with water and sinking he says.

She says, love, and it’s a question but she’s not sure what she’s asking.

He says nothing, he looks at the sky through the window, the light darkening a little. He says it looks like rain but she doesn’t turn away from him to look. He says, love, I was just thinking about it, that’s all, really, and he turns again and this time he leaves the room and she watches him go and listens to the hacking wetness of his cough.

On the table, an uneaten slice of cake, a half-empty cup of cold tea, crumbs.

There was no one there when I got to work this morning. My keycard rejected, flicking back like a stuck-out tongue,

and there was no one around to let me in. I was hot and dizzy from the walk, I felt sick again, I needed to sit down.

A security guard came past and said it’s a bank holiday love, and I must have looked like I was going to cry because she stopped grinning and offered me a drink and almost touched my arm.

I went and sat in her little office with her, looking at the closed circuit pictures while she made us both a cup of tea and her kettle was so small she had to boil it twice.

She said if you don’t mind me saying love you don’t look well enough to be at work anyhow.

I smiled and said no I’m okay I’m just pregnant and she said oh congratulations and asked me questions and showed me pictures of her new granddaughter.

She gave me lots of advice, she said drink stout and take folic acid, and mind you take it easy now.

I finished the tea and said thankyou and went home again, and on the way back I was sick by the bins behind the Chinese.

There was a message from Sarah on the answerphone.

It was a long message, so I left it playing while I cleared away the breakfast things.

She said what are you doing are you still in bed where have you been?

She said I’ve been trying to call you what have you been up to all weekend?

She said and so what about that guy, what’s his name, that guy I gave your number to, did he call you, did you see him?

She gasped as though she was suddenly shocked and she giggled and said is that where you’ve been?

Have you been making babies she said, is he still there now?

There were voices in the background, she said look anyway got to go, she said but anyway I’m in your part of town today so call me and we can meet up.