Gibson barked once and then stopped, sensing the distress and anger.
Raine stared straight ahead, her voice shaky as she wrapped her hands around the steering wheel. One big fat tear slipped from her eye. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that you had someone, I really am.”
She put her car into gear. “But I wish it had been me. I wish you had never left, because then maybe I wouldn’t have gone through hell by myself. Maybe then I wouldn’t have lost…”
“Lost what?”
But she flinched and refused to answer.
For a moment there was silence, and then Raine cleared her throat and whispered, “I’m sorry for her, I am, but I can’t help the way I feel. Maybe that’s selfish, but it’s all I got.”
Raine slowly backed out of the driveway, ignoring the man who stared after her. Ignoring the pain in his eyes and the pain in her heart.
Once she was on the road, the tears came and she made no effort to stop them. The pain was intense and she let it flow through her. She let it touch every cell in her body until she thrummed with anger and pain and loss.
By the time she reached the bend in the road, she had to pull over, her hands were shaking so hard. She wasn’t sure how long she was there, crying like an idiot, but eventually the tears subsided and she felt strangely calm.
“Damn,” she whispered as she pulled back onto the road and drove through a winter wonderland. “Coming back to life sucks.”
Chapter 19
“Jake, where have you been?”
His mother’s voice was more than a little concerned, and he paused in the foyer, his only thought a hot shower, hopefully one that would help clear his head.
“I was holed up at Wyndham, I told you that.”
Marnie crossed the foyer and paused a few inches away. Free of makeup, with her hair clipped back off her face, she looked delicate. The lines around her eyes and mouth didn’t look as sharp, and he thought that maybe she looked halfway relaxed.
“I know that, mister,” she said affectionately, “but I called you nearly six hours ago. Didn’t you check your messages? We need to leave for Texas, for your medal ceremony. I’ve already checked, and the flights—”
“I’m not going to Texas, Mom.”
Shocked silence followed his words, and the guilt inside him, so raw and heavy, pressed into his chest. He swore underneath his breath and looked away, not able to deal with his mother’s pain in addition to his own. Or Raine’s.
God, he’d screwed up. He’d screwed up huge, and at the moment, he had no idea how to fix things.
“Jake? We just thought…well, we thought you might want us there. Your friend Mr. Baker invited us and…” Her voice broke. “He said he served with you and Jesse.”
Damn. Leave it to Baker. The guy had never had his timing down. Never. It’s why his nickname was Trigger. As in fast. But that wasn’t always a good thing.
“Look, there’s no ceremony. I’m not a Ranger anymore. There’s just Baker, holding a medal for me that I don’t deserve.”
He closed his eyes, hating the tension that sat across his shoulders. Hating the memories embedded in his brain. The ones that told him he sure as hell didn’t deserve a fucking Bronze Star, especially one with the word valor attached to it.
If he were the hero they all thought he was, Jesse would still be alive. He would be here with Raine where he belonged, not buried six feet under.
Things were so screwed up. Beyond screwed up. Where the hell did he go from here?
“Jake.”
Something in his mother’s tone grabbed him hard and he whipped his head up, his blood running cold at the look in her eyes. Shit. Could he do this? His father had joined his mother, linking his hand inside hers.
“Jake, what happened to you?”
“Marnie,” Steven cautioned.
“No,” she said sharply. “This has gone on long enough. Jake, what is going on with you? Can’t you share some of your pain with us? We gave you space when you wanted it. When you disappeared and cut us off. We let you, because we thought that’s what you needed, what you wanted.”