“Afghanistan broke Jesse. It took his soul and crushed it. I knew it. But he didn’t. It was like he was out on the lake, walking across thin ice, and he didn’t give a shit. He just didn’t care. I don’t know what happened, what event or place or person broke him, but he wasn’t right. He wasn’t strong enough to be safe. He became cocky, and fear didn’t even factor into anything. He thought he could walk on water.” Jake closed his eyes. “He thought he could walk across the ice.”
“Oh, Jake.” His mother’s soft voice nearly did him in.
“He was careful, never a danger to the rest of the men in our unit, but when it came to his own personal safety? It was like he had a death wish. When I threatened to go to our commander, he laughed in my face. He pulled me close and told me I was paranoid and no one would believe me.”
Jake shrugged. “He was right. None of the guys knew him the way I did. What they saw as bravery, or damn American strength, was him falling through the ice all over again. I knew the only way I could keep him safe was to stick by his side. To just stay there and not leave. But that morning…”
“It’s okay, son. We don’t need to hear any more.” Steven’s rough voice cut through the haze in Jake’s mind, but the pain inside him was too intense. It was rolling through him, and he didn’t think he could stop if he wanted to.
“That morning we had orders to retrieve two targets being held by insurgents. Our intel was confirmed and it was a go, but everything about it felt wrong. The location was off, it was full of civilians. Families.” He paused. “Kids.”
He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, his mind still back there, his nose full of desert, and sand, and the burning stench of human flesh.
“We went in just before dawn and cleared the perimeter before slipping inside the compound. Jesse was on point and I was following up the rear, Blake—Lily’s brother—and Headsy making up the rest of our
team. This mangy animal, a dog, wandered into the building we’d just cleared. I remember it looked at me for what seemed to be a really long time. I remember thinking the shit is gonna hit. I felt it.” He paused. “I tasted it. And then all hell broke loose. Mortars were going off, rounds firing into the air, and I could hear the other teams from our unit outside returning fire. We joined them, and the firefight lit up the night like the Fourth of July.”
Jake shook his head and grimaced. “Jesse walked into that hell with his head up like he was walking down a sidewalk in Crystal Lake. I couldn’t believe it, and I wanted to knock him down so badly that I started toward him. I had every intention of taking him out myself, except Blake took a hit and went down, and I knew it was bad. By the time I got to Blake and pulled him to some sort of safety, Jesse was already out of sight.”
“Oh, my sweet boy,” Marnie moaned, clutching Steven as she stared at her son.
“I was pinned down. There was nothing I could do, and when I found him, it was too late. He’d taken out several insurgents, but he was down, and it’s a miracle I wasn’t killed trying to get to him. I think it was my anger that got me through, and when I finally made it to his side and pulled him back out of harm’s way, it was too late.”
The well inside Jake burst, and his body shuddered so violently that when his mother’s arms wrapped around him, she shook as badly as he did. When Steven grabbed them both and held them tight to his chest, Jake finally let loose everything he’d been holding inside.
For the longest time, the three of them stood there, huddled together in the family room, three bodies melted into one.
“I tried to save him, Mom. I did everything I could, but it wasn’t enough,” Jake managed to say. “His wounds were…they were fatal, but the thing was, he didn’t want it. He didn’t want to come back from Afghanistan, and I hate him for it.”
For a moment there was silence, and then Jake gently disengaged himself from his parents. He wiped the wetness from his eyes. “I don’t know how he could do that to Raine or you guys. I can’t forgive him for that, and there’s no way in hell I can accept a medal because someone thought I was brave that day.” He shook his head. “I wasn’t brave. I was running scared, trying to get across the ice before he fell through, because I knew I was too late.”
He took a moment and gathered his thoughts while his parents absorbed his words. When enough time had passed, he spoke softly.
“I have another reason for not going to Texas. Lily called and Blake’s in a bad way. He was transferred to Boston last week and I promised her I’d be there for her.”
“Oh God,” Marnie said, “her brother?”
Jake nodded. “He’ll be lucky to survive the night.”
He thought of Lily and the phone call he’d got this morning just after he walked outside the cottage into the cold Michigan morning. The scent of Raine was still in his nostrils and the feel of her was still on his skin.
Damn, but it had been so easy being with her, loving her the way a man should love a woman, and Lord knows he wanted more. He wanted a hell of a lot more.
But easy and Jake weren’t going to be friends anytime soon, and he knew deep down that until he dealt with his past, there was no future with Raine.
He just didn’t know if he was man enough to do it. Even for her.
Chapter 20
Snow was falling, big fat flakes that melted almost as soon as they touched skin. Raine tugged her hat down a little more, and she wiped away a particularly large flake that teetered on the edge of her eyelash.
She was parked downtown near the square, across from Mrs. Avery’s flower shop, where Mr. Avery and her son were trying their best to keep the sidewalk clean. The temperature was mild and the fluffy white stuff plentiful. It covered the ground, filling up the cleared spaces almost as fast as those hardy souls could get it shoveled.
She took another step away from her parked car and paused. Definitely packing snow, every kid’s winter dream.
It was nearly four in the afternoon, and evening was fast approaching. With only a few days until Christmas, downtown Crystal Lake was a hive of activity. She’d just come from the grocery store, having stocked up on a bunch of essentials: milk, eggs, bread, and chocolate—an entire bag of chocolate-covered almonds, to be exact. The cashier had raised an eyebrow, and Raine had given her a “don’t judge me” look before tossing in two bags of potato chips as well.
With this one last stop under her belt, she’d hit the hardware store for some more Christmas lights and be on her way back home.