And still Raine pushed forward. “How old was I when I lost my virginity?”
“Raine, please don’t do this.”
“Seventeen. How many men have I slept with?”
If she thought that would shock her mother, she was mistaken. It did nothing but deflate her. Defeat her.
The pain inside Raine stretched so tight across her shoulders that she shook out her arms in an effort to alleviate it.
“Two,” she said softly, all the fierce attitude suddenly gone. “I’ve slept with two men. Jesse and Jake.”
Tears slipped from her eyes, and when Gloria took a few tentative steps toward her, Raine did nothing to stop her. No poison fell from her lips. There was only the pain.
“When I found out Jesse had died over there, my first thought was that Jake was coming home. Jake would make the pain go away. He’d make things better.” She closed her eyes as memories from those turbulent weeks after the funeral settled into her mind.
“But that didn’t happen. Things got screwed up and everything changed. We had one moment, a night when we’d both had too much to drink and the pain was just so hard and heavy, and we found comfort in each other. Or maybe it wasn’t comfort. It was about feeling alive. But it didn’t last. The guilt and pain just made it too difficult. Jake left and I didn’t see him for almost a year and a half. And I thought…I thought when he came back that maybe we could work things out. But I don’t think it’s going to happen.”
Raine wasn’t aware that her mother had moved closer until she felt her warm touch against her cheek.
“I’m sorry,” her mother said.
“So am I.”
Slowly Gloria withdrew her hand. “I know you think you don’t need me, Raine, and maybe you don’t. Maybe I need it more, but it’s Christmas. Won’t you please let me look after you?”
Raine looked into her mother’s eyes and for the first time felt as if she was really seeing the woman. She saw pain but she also saw regret.
“Will you let me try?”
Gibson jumped onto the sofa and growled, a playful challenge, before he tossed his bone onto the floor and ran after it. Raine watched him disappear behind the tree and glanced at the clock. It was nearly four.
“I don’t know,” she said finally. “I can’t promise anything, and maybe I’m just too tired to fight right now. But we can try.”
Raine headed for the shower, not really sure what the night was going to bring, but sure in the knowledge that she couldn’t hide in the cottage forever. She couldn’t hide from Jake. She’d done that for eighteen months, and there was no way she was going down that road again. She wouldn’t make it.
As she turned on the hot spray and stripped off her clothes, she thought that maybe a Christmas miracle was possible, and if not, hell, she’d try and find one on her own.
Chapter 27
Jake had been sitting at the bar in the Coach House since noon. He wasn’t drunk. In fact, he’d hardly had any alcohol. Not for lack of trying. He just didn’t seem able to stomach the stuff righ
t now and had been nursing a tumbler of whiskey for almost an hour.
The bar was nearly empty—which wasn’t surprising, considering it was Christmas Eve—and only a few souls were enjoying a last-minute drink or get-together with friends. Behind him, near the DJ booth, sat a boisterous group of college kids, while at the far end of the bar was Mr. Lawrence, owner of the Tackle & Bait. He was doing a crossword in between shooting the shit with Salvatore.
Jake knew he should just leave, but there wasn’t anywhere for him to go. Wyndham Place was out—he couldn’t face Raine right now—and there was no way he was bringing his parents down with his black mood.
They didn’t deserve his shit, not after everything they’d been through.
He hung his head, unable to deal with the overwhelming guilt he felt, and as he thought of Raine, of her alone and dealing with something as awful as losing a baby—his baby—his head fell even lower.
He’d spent the night in his Jeep, driving around aimlessly, and had eventually ended up in the next county, where he’d sat in an all-night diner until he overstayed his welcome, and pointed his wheels home.
The Coach House was as good a place as any to pass the time, and the permanent scowl on his face was enough to drive most people in the opposite direction. Of course, beneath the scowl was a hell of a lot of heartache, pain, and overwhelming guilt.
Lily had already come and gone. She’d tried her damnedest to find out what the hell was going on inside his head, but he wasn’t sharing with anyone, not even Lily, and in the end she had realized he wasn’t going to spill. Annoyed, she had left, though not before telling him he’d be the biggest asshole on the planet to let his happiness slip away. If he didn’t fight for what he deserved.
Jake stared down into the amber liquid and swished it aimlessly. He didn’t have the heart to tell Lily that he didn’t deserve shit.