“How can you say that?” I demand. “Your daughter was taken from you so I’m not sure how you can ever say there’s always hope. There’s not!”
She lets out a long sigh. “There is. Just because someone dies doesn’t mean there isn’t hope. We still have each other and we have our amazing memories of Claudia. She might be gone, but they can never take her away from us completely. And we will see her again one day, Jett. I have hope for that. And I have hope that you will find your way and find love; that you will let someone in who will love you unconditionally like Claudia did. And I have hope you’ll give me a grandbaby.” She gives me one of her beautiful smiles. “There are a lot of things to hope for.”
I let her words sink in, not entirely sure she’s convinced me, but she’s at least given me a fresh perspective to think about. Returning her smile, I say, “Claudia took after you so much. That sounds like something she would have said.”
Her smile turns into a laugh, and I see both the happiness and the pain flit across her face. “Yeah, it does.”
I rub the back of my neck as the energy moves through me. It’s such a conflicting energy; one minute it’s a burn that feels like it will incinerate you, and the next it’s a glimpse of promise that things can get better. “Fuck, why does life have to be so hard sometimes?”
“I don’t know, but sometimes things have to fall apart before they can fall into place. And I’m not talking about your sister here.” She takes a breath before pleading with me. “Promise me you’ll think about that.”
“I will.”
Fuck, I’m already thinking about it.
I’m wondering if the pain of shutting someone out of your life might be worse than the possible pain of losing them.
I’m wondering if Presley and I might have a chance after all.
* * *
An hour later, Mum leaves me so she can go and cook dinner. She’s making roast for my last dinner before I leave tomorrow. To say I’m looking forward to roast is an understatement. It’s been my favourite meal since I was a kid.
After she leaves, I assess our progress. Claudia had specified in great detail in her will where she wanted everything to go and she had also specified her wish we didn’t drag our heels on this. My sister had a huge heart and wanted most of her belongings donated to various charities, so today we’ve managed to box nearly everything up. However, I realise we haven’t gone through her desk yet so I do that now.
There’s so much shit in her drawers, it’s going to take me awhile to go through it all and make sure there’s nothing in there we want to keep, so I drag the first drawer out to the table and sit down to do this. I separate out the old bills she’s paid but not yet filed, the university letters, and other various documents.
And then I find a sealed envelope.
With my name on it.
My heart stills and my breathing slows.
Why is there a letter to me in here?
My fingers hesitate to open it but eventually I do.
My first tear drops after I read the first sentence and by the end, I’m a mess of fucking tears and heartache.
Dear Jett,
Don’t forget to dance in the rain…
If there’s one thing I wish for you, it’s a lifetime of happiness. I’m sorry I can’t be there to see that through with you but you need to promise me you’ll carry on now that I’m gone and fight for your happiness. I know you struggle to let people in and I know you’re so worried about losing the people you love, but you can’t live your life that way. Life is like a storm, big brother, one minute calm and the next it’s all chaos and mess. Promise me you won’t wait for the storm to pass. Promise me you’ll dance in the rain.
See you when you get to heaven.
Love, Princess
xx
My sister is looking out for me even from the grave.
32
Presley
I drag the casserole out of the oven, fighting with the oven door that wants to shut on me before I’m ready. It plays nice and I manage to get the dish out, but just as I’m about to place it on the kitchen counter, it slips out of my hold and hot casserole goes all over my kitchen floor and the dish shatters on the tiles.