Make it stop.
The room began to spin as the hurt choked me.
As my body crumbled, Scott’s strong arms scooped me up and he carried me into the living room. He placed me gently on the couch and I vaguely noticed him striding out of the room. I’d thought I would pass out but I hadn’t, and I clung to consciousness as I fought the overwhelming desire to close my eyes and run from the pain. I didn’t want to do this now, but some part of me obviously did, because that part was forcing me to stay in this moment with Scott.
A few moments later, he pressed a cold washer to my face as he gently pushed my hair out of my eyes. The tenderness in his touch reminded me of his love and that I’d avoided him for too long. His hands, his lips, his skin – I hadn’t felt them for months, and while I tried to want them, I struggled to force something I just wasn’t feeling. But I didn’t have to force my feelings of love for this man. My love hadn’t faltered; I still loved and wanted Scott as much as I’d ever loved and wanted him. I only hoped he could last the distance of my grief.
I looked up at his concerned face and placed my hand on his stubbled cheek. “Thank you,” I whispered.
If I thought the cracking of his voice earlier had upset me, the look he bestowed on me now, threatened to kill me. It was the kind of look a man wore when they were almost destroyed, but you’d given them a small sliver of hope.
My heart missed a beat and my first tear fell.
And then the avalanche began.
And my man didn’t let me down.
His arms came around me as he pulled me close, and his embrace reassured
me that maybe, just maybe, I’d survive this. That we’d survive this.
He held me for a long time while I cried. As much as I tried, I couldn’t stop the tears, and after awhile, I gave up trying. I simply let them fall. Scott’s ability to be patient with me, something he didn’t seem to have for anyone else, allowed me to breathe through this moment without feeling like I had to hurry myself along. When my tears finally subsided, I wiped my face and lifted my head. “Thank you,” I said, the same two words I’d said to him earlier. Two words that didn’t seem enough to convey everything I was feeling for him in this moment.
As he let me go, one of his hands cupped the back of my head, and his fingers tangled in my hair. “You never have to thank me,” he said gruffly and I realised again how affected he was by all this.
I nodded and shifted into a sitting position, my back to the arm of the couch and my legs crossed in front of me. Scott leant back against the couch, angling his body to face mine. He placed his hand on my knee and the warmth of his touch spread through me. It bolstered me enough to dig deep in my heart as I attempted to share a piece of myself with him; a piece I knew he wanted. “I don’t know how to move past this, and I don’t know how to drag you along with me while I figure it out.” My heart beat faster in my chest as I laid my soul out for him, and my voice grew softer as I kept baring it. “I feel like I’m drowning, Scott… and I don’t want you to drown with me.”
His gaze remained steady on mine. “I’m gonna drown either way, sweetheart. I’d rather drown with you than by myself.”
I gulped back my heartache and reached for his hand. Entwining our fingers, I looked down at them as his loyalty and dependability washed over me. The day I’d met Scott Cole would be a day I’d forever be thankful for. Finding his eyes again, I said, “This isn’t going to be easy and I know I’m going to screw it up, probably just as much as I already have, but I promise you I’ll try.” I don’t want you to drown.
“My life is full of hard, baby. Nothing you say or do is hard; it’s what you don’t say or do that is hard for me. The only promise I need from you is that you won’t pull away from me again. The rest, I can handle.” His eyes narrowed on me. “So this party? You’ll go?” This time it was a question, and I knew he’d support me if I said no. Opening up to him was all he’d been after with this conversation. Baby steps.
I gave him a reassuring smile and a nod. “Yes, I’ll go with you.”
His eyes closed briefly as he took a long breath. “Good.”
We might not have said a great deal today, but we’d taken a huge step forward, and for the first time in months, the pain suffocating me seemed to ease a little.
* * *
“Harlow, where are you?” Scott’s voice boomed through the house, as did the sound of his boots as he searched for me. We had to leave for Madison’s party in about fifteen minutes and he’d just returned home after being called out to work this morning.
I put my earrings in and called out, “In the bedroom.” Stepping in front of the mirror, I assessed my outfit. I’d gone with a little black dress that barely skimmed my thighs, and revealed enough cleavage to be sexy without being slutty. Scott was bound to love the way it hugged my curves and also showed off my back – backless dresses drove him wild. A twinge of guilt raked through me. He’d been so patient with me, never pushing me to have sex since I’d lost our baby, not even yesterday after our heart-to-heart. The thought had crossed my mind not to tease him with this dress, but on the other hand, I wanted to give him something and this felt like it could be that something.
“Fuck,” he muttered, and I turned to find his eyes glued to my body. A shiver of desire ran through me at the sight of his turned-on state, a state I hadn’t seen him in for far too long. And goodness if it didn’t turn me on, too.
Tears pricked my eyes and I felt like an idiot for almost crying over something so silly. “Hi,” I greeted him, my voice all breathy, almost as if this was our first date. And again, I felt silly for feeling this way.
He frowned as his gaze zeroed in on my teary eyes. “What’s wrong? Why do you look like you’re about to cry?”
His questions caused my tears to fall, and I madly swiped at them to try and stop them wrecking my makeup. “Shit,” I cursed. “It’s nothing. I’m okay, just being stupid.”
Shaking his head, he came to me and moved my hands away from my face. His thumb grazed my cheek. “Nothing about you is stupid, Harlow. Whatever is upsetting you is valid.”
I watched him watching me and knew I was going to have to give him something. God, I didn’t want to admit my feelings to him. “I haven’t wanted sex for so long, haven’t even thought of it, but just then, when you were looking at me like you wanted to eat me, I wanted you to rip my dress off and fuck me.”
He hissed. “Jesus, woman,” he growled, his voice drifting off for a moment while more desire crossed his face. And then, “Why did that make you cry?”