“Zara, are you okay?” He’s not as loud this time, but his tone is urgent and that only heightens my emotions.
I spin around angrily, my mind a tangle of thoughts and feelings I can’t even begin to command. “Does it look like I’m okay? No! I’m not! But I don’t need you pretending to care when I would be nothing but a quick fuck to you. Just do your job and leave me alone.”
Stalking away from him, I head for my car. I know I should wait for Holly, and I will, once I get to my car. Right now, I just need to be as far from Fury as possible.
He has other ideas, however. Catching up to me, he grabs my arm and stops me. I immediately fight him off, yanking my arm from out of his hold. “What are you doing?”
His eyes flash with a “don’t fuck with me” vibe. “I’m doing my damn job. Give me your keys.”
I ignore all the warnings to just do as he says coming from him. “No. I can drive myself.”
“No, you can’t.” He holds out his hand. “Pass them over.”
I thrust my head forward, closer to him, and yell, “No! I’m not someone you can boss around, and I don’t have to do as you say!”
A storm of emotions thunders across his face. “I am someone who can boss you around. King gave me that power when he told me to protect you. And right fucking now you need protection.” His eyes drill into mine as he says in a low, forceful voice, “Hand your keys over, get in the car, and let me do my job.”
I’m not sure anymore if my heart is beating so hard and fast because of my session with the psychologist or because of Fury.
I want to tell him to fuck off, but I know that will be a waste of breath. If he’s nothing else, he’s stubborn and committed to his work. So I shove my keys at him and stalk the rest of the way to my car where I wait at the passenger door for him to let me in.
He’s almost reached me when Holly calls out, “Zara! Wait!”
“I’m okay, Holly. Unless you take into account the fact I have to deal with Fury.”
“Fucking hell,” he mutters, drawing close enough that I can smell his scent.
“You are so clearly not okay, Zar,” Holly says, reaching us. Her expression is a little frantic, which is so unlike her. Holly is the steady, unflappable one. She’s a bloody robot most of the time, not expressing emotion as easily as I do. “What happened in there?”
I glance at Fury who is the last person I want to be having this conversation in front of. He appears as keen as I am for it. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
That returns Holly to the person I know and love. “I am so sick of you saying that! If you don’t fucking talk about it, you’re not going to get better. Stop being so dumb, Zara.”
I already feel dumb; Holly calling me that only makes me feel a hundred times worse. Especially since she did so in front of the guy I like more than I care to admit. It causes all my defences to rise and nasty stuff to come out of my mouth. “Fuck you, Holly, and fuck this shit. I’m done with it all.”
With that, I push past her and walk away from them towards the car park exit.
“Yeah, that’s right, just leave when shit gets too hard for you,” Holly calls out. “It’s what you always do.”
Her words sting, but I’m too angry and hurt to stop and think about this rationally. All I want is to be as far from them both as possible. As far from my problems as possible.
Fury has other ideas, though. I’m barely ten steps away when his arm comes around my waist and he pulls me up off the ground and carries me back to the car. “God-fucking-damn, Zara, get your ass in this fucking car and do something smart. Whatever the hell just happened inside clearly fucked you up, so the last place you should be right now is out on the streets by yourself.”
I struggle against him, but my strength is no match for his and he manages to get me in the car. He straps me in with a firm, “Don’t fucking move or so help me, you won’t like what happens next.”
He’s reached a whole new level of pissed off with me and is so firm and hard that I do as he says. Besides, the rush of wild energy I experienced that caused me to fire up at him and Holly has subsided, leaving me feeling exhausted. I just want to go home, shut myself in my room, and sleep this off.
Fury and Holly have a quick conversation and then he gets in the car with me and we take off towards home. I lean against the door, shifting so my body faces away from Fury, and close my eyes. Neither of us talks for the duration of the trip, and when we reach my house, I exit the car with a quick “Thank you,” and make my way into my bedroom.
I’ve had twenty minutes on the way home to process everything that happened after I left the psychologist and I now feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. It’s no wonder Fury thinks of me the way he does; I spend my days fighting against all the people who are trying to help me and in the process make some stupid choices. And yet, I can’t find it in me to stop. I’m so up and down that one minute I’m all for what they’re suggesting, and the next, when the fear and paranoia and shame hit, I just want to flee, to escape all the hard feelings and thoughts. I want to do anything that will make me feel good again, and that never involves talking about what I’m going through.
14
Zara
* * *
I sleep for a few hours and feel better when I wake. I know nothing has changed, but it’s like my outburst, or maybe just starting to open up with the psychologist, helped release something inside me, leading me to think different thoughts. Better thoughts.