“Nothing planned, son.”
I nodded towards his bowl of cereal that Carla had gotten him. “You gonna eat that?” His eating habits had improved but he still didn’t eat enough as far as I was concerned.
“I’m not hungry.” He pushed the bowl away.
I pushed it back towards him. “Dad, you need to eat.”
He scowled. “I’ll eat later.”
Frustration caused me to lose my shit. I slammed my hand down on the kitchen table. “Why have you given up?”
He didn’t even flinch. He just stared at me through sad eyes. Silence filled the room for a few minutes while we sat and watched each other. Eventually he said, “I miss her, Havoc.” Mum.
Fuck.
His words were honest and raw and I couldn’t fault him for his feelings.
I nodded. “I know. I miss her, too. But Yvette and I are still here and we need you.”
“No you don’t. You left and made a new life. Yvette’s got her woman and is making a life with her. You don’t need me.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Jesus, Dad, that’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? You left, Havoc. Without a backwards glance. That’s true.”
The resentment his words carried hit me in the gut. I’d never stopped to think about anyone when I left. My pain had been too great. “There was so much going on back then. Losing my business because my best friend screwed me over and stole from me was a kick in the guts I never thought I’d recover from, especially when I had to file for bankruptcy. I thought I had Kelly to fall back on, but then she walked away. That shit fucked with my mind, Dad. When Mum died, it killed me. I wanted to die. I wanted to give up, just like you are, but that’s not in me to do, so I gave up in every other way. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you and ask for the help I needed to get through that.”
“I offered you the money to pull your business out of the shit it was in. You should have taken it,” he said and I felt his pain that I hadn’t allowed him to do that for me.
“I couldn’t, Dad. I couldn’t be the one responsible for anything happening to you if I never paid you back.”
“That’s what parents do for their kids, son. We’d go to the ends of the Earth if we had to, even if it meant we had to walk over hot coals and swim with fucking sharks. I hated seeing you drowning. That killed me, maybe more than losing your mother.”
Fuck.
I’d fucked up.
But that was the thing about life: sometimes shit didn’t go the way you planned and you dealt with it the best you could at the time. Learning to live with our decisions was the key. Because if we looked back all the time and regretted shit, we'd just end up living with a whole lot of bitterness and disappointment.
I reached for his hand. “We can’t go back. We can only go forward. I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I’m here for you and I’m here for Yvette. And watching you give up isn’t something I’m willing to do.”
He took that in and spent a few minutes thinking it over. “You’re a stubborn ass, just like your mother.”
I pushed his bowl of cereal closer to him.
He scowled but he picked up the spoon and took a mouthful.
Yeah, I was a stubborn ass.
But it was one of my best traits.
29
Carla
I stared in disbelief at the letter from my college.
They didn’t have a spare place for me in the subject I needed to repeat.