“Fuck,” I mutter, knowing it’ll be my vice president with new information likely to give me a headache. Our club is in the middle of shit with Zenith, a gang determined to take as much drug business from Storm as possible, and after nine months of this, tensions have escalated to new levels over the past two weeks.
“You should check that,” Birdie says, and I love my wife a little bit more if that’s possible. She never gives me hell over the club or the amount of time I’ve been away from her since she moved to Melbourne just over eight months ago. Club problems have kept me away a fuckload more than I would have preferred.
I reach into my pocket for my phone.
* * *
Ransom: We lost two more customers to Zenith overnight. We may need to take a trip to sort this out.
Me: I’ll be in around lunchtime. Will discuss then.
* * *
As I shove my phone back in my pocket, Birdie says, “You have to take another trip?”
“Not an overnighter.”
“I’m good if you have to go away longer. I can manage everything on my own.”
We’ve spent weeks going back and forth over when to begin IVF. I wanted to wait until things with the club settle down, but Birdie pushed for us to start now. She argued we’d be waiting forever for the perfect moment, and because I would give her the world if I could, I agreed. But fuck if I’ll allow her to go through any of this journey alone. I’ve made that mistake once; I won’t make it again.
Shaking my head, I say, “I’m not going away. It’s a day trip only.”
“Yeah, but if you need to—”
I take hold of her face with both hands. “The only thing I need to do is be here with you.” My words come out with more force than I intend, but that’s because the emotion coursing through me is extreme. I feel it so fucking deeply I can’t help but express it.
Her eyes flare again, but this time I haven’t upset her. This time she curls her fingers around my biceps and grips me hard as she says, “I love you.” She then gives me her lips, exactly how I want them, and I’m pulled further under her spell. After all these years of knowing her, that spell is boundless, and she weaves it over me in ways I’ve never imagined. Ways I would willingly chase down just to give her more of myself.
“Fuck, angel,” I rasp when she shifts her hands to my chest and then down to my stomach. Letting her go, I take a step back to separate us. “We’ve gotta leave in fifteen minutes, and there’s no way we’re meeting that deadline if you keep this up.”
She opens her mouth to speak, but her phone rings, distracting her. Glancing at it, she says, “It’s Cleo.”
“Talk to her.” I press one last kiss to her lips. “Just keep it quick.” Fuck knows those two could talk for a full twenty-four hours without coming up for air if they had the time.
She waves me away, reading my tone perfectly. “Go do some boy stuff or something.”
I leave her to take the call. Cleo is what she needs right now. Her best friend will help calm her nerves in ways I can’t. And I need the space that Cleo offers with that call, too. I need a breather to get my head sorted before we leave for our appointment.
Life as we know it is about to change, and while I’m keeping strong for Birdie, I’ve had moments of concern that once we start down this path, shit will be out of our control. Completely fucking out of my control. And that’s not a place I ever like to be.
2
Birdie
* * *
“How are you guys doing?” Cleo asks as I watch Winter leave the bathroom. The thing that stands out the most about him today is the fierce way he’s holding himself. My husband is always a take-charge kinda guy, but even more so today. It’s something I love about him, but right now, I could do with hearing some of his fears. With seeing a little more vulnerability from him so I know I’m not alone in all my feelings and thoughts that are making me feel irrational and completely out of my depth.
Exhaling a long breath, because I have so much excess breath inside me, it isn’t funny, I say, “Well, Winter has his shit together, but I don’t. Thank God for him is all I can say.”
“Birdie, you can do this.” She says the words with so much belief and determination and love it’s like a hug through the phone.
She and I have spent so much time on the phone the last month while she’s pep-talked the hell out of me over this IVF journey. I was doing so well with it until yesterday. Today I’m a bundle of nerves and barely recognise myself with the crazy thoughts running through my mind.
“Yes, I can,” I say, trying hard to fully believe what I’m saying. The problem is I know myself well, and while I know I can physically do whatever I need to, I’m not so sure I’ll mentally get through it unscathed. All the what-ifs are swarming in my head, filling it with pressure, and we haven’t even started the cycle yet.
“Remember when we went for our first business loan and how nervous you were?”