She turns silent for a few moments and I wait for her response. Finally, she exhales the kind of breath a person releases when they’ve been holding it for a long time. “Thank you,” she says softly. “I know you already went over this with me this morning, but I needed to hear you say it again.” She exhales again. “God, I’m going to go crazy during this, aren’t I? And I’m going to send you crazy, too.”
“Yeah to all of that, but I didn’t go into this thinking anything different would happen. And as far as going over this with you, I’ll do it multiple times a day if I need to. What I don’t want is for us to fight over dumb shit instead of talking about what’s really going on.”
“I’m sorry I made out like you don’t want to talk about stuff. I didn’t mean it.”
“Well, it is true that I’d prefer to get my hands on you over talking any day.”
Finally, she gives me a smile, and I know all is okay. “Most days I’d prefer that too.”
“Just not at the moment, right?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry, but—”
“No buts, Birdie. I’m committed to this and to whatever we both need to see it through.” I pull her close again. “How about we order some dinner in and watch a movie together tonight?”
&
nbsp; Her smile spreads and lights up my whole damn world. “I would love that.”
I kiss her, long and slow. I may not be able to have her in the way I want tonight, but I’ll take what I need in other ways. When I’m done with her lips, I lightly smack her ass. “You go choose a movie while I order dinner.”
She’s almost out of the bedroom when she turns back to me. “You didn’t have to agree with me that I was going to send you crazy.”
I grin. “It’s the God’s honest truth, angel, and I wouldn’t choose anything different.”
4
Birdie
* * *
“What is that bloody awful music I can hear, darling?” Mum asks during our FaceTime chat the next day. We facetimed twice yesterday and I’m fairly certain I see a lot of it in my future. I need her and she needs to know I’m doing okay. Living so far from each other is one of the hardest things for me about living in Melbourne.
“What? You don’t love Eminem?”
She pulls a face. “God, no. Maybe you could turn him down. Or off.”
“Remind me the next time I’m in Sydney to introduce you to some new music. It’s time we broadened your taste.”
“So long as none of it sounds like that rubbish.”
I laugh as I turn the music off. I love stirring my mother. “Okay, now that we have silence, you need to tell me all about your date last night. And don’t leave anything out.” Mum’s been dating up a storm the last month, finally getting back into the swing of it after having her heart broken again.
“Oh, I will, but first I wanna know how you’re feeling about your first injection tonight. And how Winter’s feeling about it, too.”
I pick at the tablecloth on the dining room table where I’m sitting. My nerves are running amok today and I’m fidgety. Tonight, we’re starting the injections that will suppress my hormones in preparation for the injections that will stimulate follicle growth. “Every time I open the fridge and see the drugs in there, my tummy goes all weird. I’m kinda at the point where I don’t know how I really feel anymore, Mum. I’m both excited and terrified.”
“Terrified about the actual injection?”
“Well, you know how much I hate needles, but no, not about that. About starting something and not knowing the outcome or all the things that may happen along the way.” I take a deep breath before sharing the thing that’s weighing heavily on me but haven’t voiced to anyone but Cleo. “What if Winter and I don’t survive this, Mum?”
“Birdie,” her voice takes on the stern tone she uses when she’s trying to mother me, “stop thinking that way. It’s not a productive use of your time and it’s definitely not the way to begin this journey. You need to be positive, not negative.”
“I am being positive, but I’m also being practical and thinking through all the possible scenarios that could happen. I want to be prepared for anything.”
“So you’ve thought it all through and come up with your marriage failing as one of the scenarios. Does it make you feel more prepared to know that’s a possibility? And does it make you feel better to be prepared for that?”
When she puts it like that, no it doesn’t, but damn it, I can’t help who I am. I’m a compulsive worrier, and I need to know all the possibilities and prep for them. I don’t love this about myself, but I can’t control it. “I think you know the answer to that, and I also think you know I can’t help myself.”