‘I can’t,’ Philippa told her, shaking her head. ‘I’ve got an appointment with the social services people this afternoon. I’m dreading it,’ she admitted ruefully.
‘I’ll come with you,’ Susie offered.
‘To hold my hand?’ Philippa shook her head and smiled. ‘No… It’s time I learned to stand on my own two feet. I keep trying to tell myself to look on what happened as a challenge and opportunity, the way they tell you in all the magazines.’
‘The power of positive thinking,’ Susie said. ‘Does it work?’
Philippa grinned at her. ‘Let’s just say that my personal success-rate is under fifty per cent—well under!’
‘Mmm… I read somewhere that what you have to do is to write down a set of affirmations… you know, statements that you make that are positive, and then you repeat them to yourself in front of a mirror and…’
‘It sounds like a form of self-hypnosis,’ Philippa laughed.
‘It’s supposed to work,’ Susie assured her.
Philippa gave her an amused smile.
‘So are diets,’ she pointed out and they both laughed.
Susie had been complaining ever since Philippa had known her that she needed to lose at least half a stone, but so far she had never managed to stay on any of the diets she had started for more than a few weeks.
As Philippa walked her to her car, she realised how much better seeing Susie had made her feel… how much less alone and, shocking though it might sound, how good it had felt to laugh and push aside all her problems.
‘Thanks for coming,’ she told Susie emotionally as she hugged her.
‘I meant what I said about you and the boys staying with us,’ Susie told her quietly. ‘In fact I wish you’d move in with us now…’
‘What, after I’ve just spent a whole morning digging over what’s left of the old vegetable patch? I can just see Jim’s face if I started digging up his precious roses,’ Philippa teased her. ‘No,’ she told her more soberly. ‘I’ve got to try and see this through by myself… other women manage, bring up their children single-handed, support themselves.’
‘Mmm… by choice and without the handicap of a mountain of debt.’
‘Not always,’ Philippa pointed out. ‘I’ve hidden behind the role that other people have cast for me for too long, Susie. I need to know now whether I’m actually capable of being any differen
t, or if I simply accepted that role because deep down inside I knew that it’s true that the only thing of any value about me is my pretty face. Something that is really nothing to do with me, an accident of genes, not a personal achievement at all,’ she said bitterly. ‘Am I really supposed to be proud of that, Susie? To feel that it’s to my credit? Do you think I’m so unintelligent?’
‘Of course not,’ Susie told her fiercely.
‘Thanks… let’s just hope that you’re right.’
‘I am,’ Susie assured her. ‘Just you wait and see.’
‘No… waiting to see isn’t any good any more… What I have to do now is work and see… starting with my interview with the social services people this afternoon.’
‘I’ll ring you tonight,’ Susie promised as she got into her car. ‘You can do it.’
Philippa laughed. ‘Is that what I’ve got to tell myself?’
‘Why not?’ Susie challenged her. ‘It can’t do any harm.’
* * *
Philippa stepped out into the street, letting the door to the Social Services office swing closed behind her as she breathed in the clean, cold air.
She had had to wait more than half an hour after the official time of her appointment for someone to see her.
‘We’re running late,’ the woman interviewing her had apologised as she’d asked her to sit down.
It had been hard not to let herself be overwhelmed by her guilt and discomfort as she’d answered the other woman’s questions. Despite what Elizabeth had told her, it had still felt wrong that she should be sitting there claiming state benefit, and she suspected that the other woman had thought so as well, although she’d been far too professional to show it. Her briskness hadn’t quite hidden her tiredness and Philippa had tried to answer her questions as quickly and concisely as she could.