Forbidden Loving

‘I’m tired, that’s all.’

Still watching her, Katie sat down on her bed, stretching luxuriously and then demanding with a grin, ‘Well, wasn’t I right? Isn’t Silas gorgeous?’

Hazel felt as though someone had opened all her veins and her blood was running hotly and painfully out of her body.

‘He… He…seems very pleasant,’ was all she could manage, as she turned away so that Katie wouldn’t see her face.

‘Pleasant!’ Katie laughed out loud. ‘Ma, how could you? Personally I think he’s just about the sexiest man of his age I’ve ever seen. Of course he’s not my type. He’s far too old, for one thing, and anyway he makes it pretty obvious that he isn’t interested in immature students. Very politely and nicely, of course. You should see the way he handles his over-enthusiastic female students. It’s a wonder to behold…

‘Ma, what on earth’s wron

g?’ she asked anxiously as Hazel stifled a shocked sound in her throat and turned a too-white face towards her.

‘Katie, what on earth are you saying?’ Hazel demanded frantically. ‘I mean, it’s not as though you have to pretend for my benefit, you know. I guessed immediately what you meant when you described Silas as being very special, although I must admit I had expected him to be younger. I mean, he must be forty…’

‘Forty-one, actually,’ Katie told her. ‘Ma, what on earth are you trying to say? You couldn’t possibly have thought that Silas and I…that we…’ Katie started to laugh. ‘But that’s absurd. Heavens… I can’t imagine what on earth made you think…Now I understand what you meant when you made such a big thing of which rooms we were sleeping in. Oh, Ma…’ She came over to Hazel and gave her a fond hug. ‘Surely the moment you saw Silas you must have realized…? He’s old enough to be my father.’ She paused and gave Hazel a very searching, thoughtful look.

‘Is that what you thought? That I’m looking for a father figure?’ She shook her head. ‘Ma, you’ve brought me up far too securely for me to have those kind of needs. I don’t need a father, and when the day comes when I do need and want a lover it will be someone whom I can meet on equal terms—someone with whom I can share, not someone with twenty more years’ experience of life than me. Not someone who’s going to treat me as a child, a little girl. Oh, Ma…just wait until I tell Silas what you thought…’

Hazel reacted immediately, grabbed hold of Katie’s arm and saying huskily, ‘Katie! No, please, promise me you won’t discuss this with him.’ She saw Katie’s bewilderment and told her, ‘I’d feel such a fool, and so embarrassed…’

‘I should just think you would. I don’t think from what I know of him that Silas would be too pleased at being condemned as the kind of man who needs to bolster his ego with a teenage lover.’

‘No,’ Hazel agreed hollowly.

‘I still can’t imagine why you ever thought that he and I could possibly be lovers in the first place,’ Katie was saying as she shook her head, as though still finding it hard to believe her mother’s folly.

‘You did say he was someone very special,’ Hazel pointed out defensively.

‘Well, yes, but that was because—’ Abruptly Katie stopped speaking.

‘Because what?’ Hazel pressed her.

‘Er—because…because he is special, and because…because I know how much you enjoy his books…’

‘But you didn’t tell me who he was,’ Hazel pointed out.

‘Er—no… I wanted to surprise you.’

‘You certainly did that,’ she agreed grimly, and then added as a fresh thought struck her, ‘But Katie, you know I’d never have agreed to have him staying here if I hadn’t thought that it was important to you. I mean—’

‘What? What difference does it make knowing that he and I aren’t lovers?’

All the difference in the world, Hazel wanted to tell her, but she knew she couldn’t.

She shivered suddenly, wondering what difference it might have made this afternoon if she had known then. But what difference could it have made? Better that things had stopped right where they had. She might have behaved like one, but she wasn’t a complete fool.

A man of sophistication and experience like Silas could never be really interested in a woman like her. Oh, he might flirt with her, kiss her, even have sex with her if he thought she was willing, but that kind of liaison wasn’t for her. She was too vulnerable as it was.

Now that she was over the initial shock of discovering that Katie and Silas were not lovers, the relief she should have felt, the relaxation from tension and self-disgust, were swamped by other new fears and doubts.

She reminded herself that she had often comforted herself in her darkest hours with the thought that nothing ever happened without a purpose…perhaps it had been intentional that she should deceive herself into thinking that Silas was involved with Katie so that she would protect herself from what was undoubtedly a very self-destructive and potentially dangerous attraction to him.

After all, what better barrier could there be between them than that she should believe Silas and Katie were lovers? And now that that barrier had been removed she would be a fool to try to ignore the warnings of her own common sense.

It was obvious that a man like Silas, a man who was of his age and experience, of his standing, must have had many women attracted to him over the years. The fact that he was not married must surely tell its own story. Despite the fact that he was intelligent, mature, and good company, there must be within him a reluctance to truly commit himself to a relationship or a person.

But maybe like her he was simply choosy, had simply never found the one person to whom he wished to commit himself, a treacherous inner voice whispered tormentingly.