Her emotions see-sawed wildly between hope and dread, longing and revulsion, need and pride. Rocco was offering her a way to secure Josh’s future. But it was a permanent place in his heart that she longed and ached for, and that was never going to be on offer. Did she really want to submit herself to the emotional anguish of living with Rocco as his wife when he did not love her? Wouldn’t it be better for her own safety to reject his proposal? But what about Josh? Wasn’t it her duty to put his needs first? Hadn’t she been worrying about raising Josh on her own, all too aware of how important it was going to be for Josh to have the right kind of man in his life to model himself on? Josh had no male relatives of his own blood; he only had her. If she married Rocco he would not only provide Josh with material security, he would also be there for him as a father. No matter what her own personal feelings, didn’t she owe it to Josh to recognise how important a role Rocco could play in his life?
As though he had picked up on her own thoughts, Rocco continued firmly, ‘It is Josh we must both think of first here. He is a child who has already lost his parents and his grandparents. He loves you and depends on you. You have said yourself that this woman who wishes to claim him is not a fit mother for him.’
‘But marriage…’ Julie protested weakly.
Rocco shrugged. ‘You may think of it as a temporary business arrangement, if you wish.’
A business arrangement. How those words hurt her. But it was not her own feelings that mattered here, Julie reminded herself sternly.
‘As Josh’s stepfather I shall do everything within my power to ensure that he is happy and well cared for. And before you ask, no, I do not have any particular desire for children of my own. I am not my father’s eldest son, after all, with a duty to provide an heir.’
And of course any marriage to her would not stop him from finding whatever sexual pleasure he wanted outside that marriage. Pain ripped through her, tearing away the pitiful attempt she had made to conceal her real feelings about him. She wanted to be the only woman he sought for pleasure; she wanted to be totally and completely his; she wanted his desire and his love.
Julie could taste the sour bitterness of her awareness of the bleakness of her future. But if she refused Rocco’s proposal, and James’s sister did try to get custody of Josh, how was she going to feel? She did not have the money to fight a lengthy court case, and neither did she have the emotional and physical reserves to cope with months and maybe years of not knowing whether she would have to give Josh up. She couldn’t ignore the effect that kind of pressure was likely to have on Josh. And then there were the final implications of her solicitor’s message…
Why was she hesitating? Logically, what Rocco was proposing was the ideal solution—and if she wasn’t careful he might start probing to find out why she was holding back, what personal emotions she might be hiding.
The thought of her humiliation were he to discover that she had fallen in love with him galvanised her into saying unsteadily, ‘Marriage just seems such a big step to take.’
‘Too big? And yet you have told me over and over again how committed you are to Josh—and were to the man who fathered him. He can never share your life, but Josh can.’
‘I understand what you’re saying, and I’m grateful to you for suggesting it,’ Julie felt bound to say. ‘But…well, it seems so huge…I mean, for you to marry me to protect Josh. You are being very generous to…to both of us, but I have my pride too, and the thought of taking advantage of your generosity worries me.’
‘Does it? Or is it in reality the thought of me taking advantage of our marital status that is actually worrying you?’ Rocco asked her silkily.
Immediately Julie’s face flamed with guilt and longing.
‘That never crossed my mind,’ she protested untruthfully. Such a scenario had indeed crossed her mind, but she was afraid not of any advances on his part, but of her own reactions to him, and what they would betray. She could hardly admit that, though, could she?
‘We have no time to lose,’ Rocco told her, dropping the subject of her fears, much to her relief. ‘The sooner we are married the sooner Josh will be safe. Then you can reply to your solicitor that there is no question of you giving Josh up, since your circumstances have changed and you are no longer a single mother but have a husband. But of course the decision must be yours.’
Helplessly, Julie admitted to herself that there was only one decision she could make.
She nodded her head, and told him huskily, ‘Yes. I mean, yes—thank you. I would like to marry you.’
When Rocco had said that things needed to be done swiftly, that was exactly what he’d meant, Julie recognised two days later, her head spinning at the speed with which events were progressing.
Naturally as a Leopardi Rocco knew all the right people to talk to both in Sicily and in London in order to make sure that the practical legalities were dealt with, but Julie was still astounded to learn that they were to be married the next morning in the small private chapel attached to the villa.
All the paperwork in preparation for their marriage had been completed, and once dinner was over Julie excused herself. The events of the last few days had exhausted her—if anything, even more emotionally than physically. Her medication was helping her to overcome her anaemia, but Julie doubted that the doctor would have anything to prescribe for the heartache that she suspected lay ahead of her.
She had brought Josh downstairs and put him in his buggy whilst they were having dinner, because Maria had gone to see her family and Julie hadn’t wanted to leave Josh on his own in his bedroom.
Now, as she excused herself, Rocco got up to pull out her chair for her, saying something in Italian to his lawyer, who had joined them for dinner, before turning to her and stating firmly, ‘I shall see you both to your room.’ He wheeled the buggy towards the door.
Josh woke up when Rocco lifted him out of the buggy, and the look of recognition in her nephew’s eyes, and the happy smile that followed it as he looked up at Rocco, were all the proof that Julie needed that she had made the right decision for Josh.
The right decision for Josh, but what about for her?
She was marrying a man who aroused her sexually and with
whom she had fallen passionately in love—a man whose conversation stimulated her and whose personality intrigued her and challenged her. A man with whom she would never be bored and within whom she suspected there was a strong streak of compassion for others that with the right kind of encouragement could be harnessed to do so much good for others less happily circumstanced. There was nothing she wanted more than to be the true partner of such a man, to be loved by him as his one true soul mate. But that, of course, was a foolish fantasy.
They had reached her bedroom. Rocco opened the door for her and stepped back so that she could precede him into the room.
Three cream full-length dress bags had been placed on her bed.
‘Wedding gowns,’ Rocco told her. ‘Unfortunately there isn’t time for you to choose your own, so I arranged for a fashion house in Milan to send these out with Ricardo.’