“Yum. I’ll take it.” At the sound of my voice, the baby started fussing and sucking on his little fist. “You’re hungry too, huh?”
“He seems pretty chill, as far as babies go.”
“You think so?” I picked him up and settled us in an armchair for feeding time. Along with my bottle of water and cell. Being able to hydrate and having something to do if he decided to mess around and take all day were both necessary for my sanity. I smoothed back his tuft of dark hair. His skin was so soft and had that baby smell. My beautiful little boy.
Jude kept folding the laundry.
“Does it bother you, handling our underwear?” I asked. “I hadn’t thought about it before, but if you’re not comfortable–”
“It’s fine,” she said. “At one job, I had to iron everything. His boxers and her briefs and the bed sheets and you name it. So just folding and putting everything away is easy.”
“You had to iron their underwear? Now that’s high maintenance.”
“I shouldn’t be gossiping.”
“No names have been mentioned.”
“Nor will they be. I do know how to keep my mouth shut, I promise.”
I smiled.
Of course, it was a concern. The media was always open to new, scandalous tales about us. Me and my surprise baby gave them enough to talk about for the time being, thank you very much. But Martha wouldn’t have let Jude into our home if she wasn’t certain of her discretion. Martha was David’s first girlfriend way back when. Then she’d been the band’s assistant for several years. Now she successfully managed a couple of up and coming rock acts. She was also Ben the bass player’s sister. And the woman was a barracuda when it came to protecting those she considered family. We mostly got along. It kind of depended on how hardcore her mood was at the time. However, I definitely trusted her when it came to something like this. I’m sure she vetted Jude to heck and back. It was nice not to have to worry about it, honestly.
If it had been up to me to pick someone to come into our home and help, I’d have been a mess of nerves. There wasn’t room in my brain to deal with anything extra these days. Let alone decide on someone who would have access to my child. I was grateful David and everyone stepped in and found me an angel.
I ran a finger back and forth over the back of his little fingers as he drank his dinner. It both was and wasn’t weird to not have David here. He often travelled with the band, so not having him here wasn’t unusual. But it was like a dark storm cloud hanging over me and our son. The knowledge that things had gone so badly that he had to step back from our life together. Though he hadn’t stepped back, exactly. Actually, I wasn’t quite sure what he was doing. But everything felt sad and edgy and just generally off. Which sucked.
* * * *
David came home the next afternoon. Keys in hand, black jeans and Henley on, he stood near the entry. “Okay if I come in?”
My breath caught in my throat as I stared at him. Talk about a sight for sore eyes. And a sore heart. The organ currently felt like it was trying to beat itself right out of my chest. I honestly didn’t know whether to hug him or slap him. I’d missed him so much, but his being gone had been hell. The last few days had been some of the worst of my life. And his eyes were wounded, his face leaner and starker somehow. As if this time had aged us both. I curled my hands into fists and kept them at my side. We needed to talk. That’s what had to come first.
“Of course you can come in,” I said.
Jude had left for the day, and the baby was sleeping. I’d made myself a cup of decaf coffee and decided to sit and chill on the sofa.
He took a chair opposite me. Which felt ominous for some reason. Like he needed the coffee table between us. His black eye was a combination of dark purple and gray. Gruesome. “Jimmy got me in with a therapist. That’s what I’ve been doing the last couple of days. Mostly.”
“Okay.”
“We talked about a lot of things.”
I nodded, trying to ignore the doubts and feelings of dread curling inside my stomach. Everything would be fine. I wouldn’t let it be anything else.
“Like how I’m not really used to sharing your attention. Or dealing with you just not having the time and energy for me or our relationship right now,” he said. “And of course that’s perfectly understandable. You’re exhausted. Hell. We both are.”
“Do you resent the baby, David?”