Well, shit. I sure as hell hadn’t expected him to say that. I wasn’t surprised Maddy had gone to talk to him, but that he’d told me… Ryder didn’t owe me the truth. He didn’t owe any of us shit, especially since we hadn’t been fair to him.
“Thanks for telling me. I appreciate it, and you’re right. It’s between you and her, the way it always should have been.”
His forehead crinkled as if I’d surprised him. I was curious how the years had been to Ryder—coming to terms with his sexuality, coming out to his family, to my sister, losing his wife, his best friend, and probably feeling abandoned by a second family he’d grown up with. Being queer was hard enough for some people, but having things snowball the way they had for Ryder… Yet he was here, standing strong and proud in who he was.
Maybe even more than me. Yeah, I didn’t hide who I was, but I also let my father make me feel less than when it came to everything I did wrong in his eyes, just because I didn’t spend my life the way he wanted me to or the way he would have.
“Thank you,” Ryder replied.
“You have nothing to thank me for,” I admitted. “Hell, I should be apologizing to you. I know that nothing that happened was your fault. I know you never wanted to hurt Maddy. Sexuality is complex and evolving. I didn’t come out right away—as bi.” Though part of why I hadn’t had been the fallout from him, but that wasn’t his burden to bear. It was mine.
It felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I hadn’t acknowledged it, but I think I’d needed to do this—to make peace with Ryder—because I should have had his back more. I should have understood better than I’d let myself, because we were both queer and we both got it in ways that someone who was straight wouldn’t.
He cocked his head slightly, his brows pinching together. There was a lot going on inside his head; I could see that, and damned if I didn’t want to know what it was. He was silent for a moment, and I gave him that time; he deserved it after everything. Finally, he settled on, “You stuck up for me that day.”
“Not enough.” It had been hard, understanding where Ryder was coming from but also knowing he’d broken my sister’s heart. I hadn’t been sure how to handle that. I still wasn’t.
“You were in a difficult situation, where the person you identified with was hurting someone you loved. I won’t fault you for that, Hutch.”
His words softened something inside me, filed down some of my rough edges—both those regarding him and those I always had. That easily, Ryder had forgiven me. He’d accepted what I’d told him, accepted me and my mistakes, with no comments about how I’d screwed up, or how I could have done better, or what I should have done differently. And that meant something to me, meant more than just confirming he was a good man. It made me feel…worthy, which was all kinds of fucked up. It was something I should always know, something I pretended I knew, but maybe I didn’t.
“I’m not quite sure I deserve that, but thank you.”
He frowned. “Why wouldn’t you deserve it? Your job wasn’t to protect me. It wasn’t to protect Mads either, but she’s your sister, so your loyalty was where it was supposed to be. You cared about your family while still trying to be fair to me. I have nothing but respect for that.”
Another thank-you teased the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed it down. This was getting too damn mushy for my taste, so I said, “The second tragedy here is that we’re both gorgeous, queer men, and it can never go anywhere because you were married to my sister.”
I hoped he’d take my joke for what it was—an attempt to lighten the mood. I discovered it was the right thing to say when Ryder barked out a boisterous laugh. “Oh God. I remember being so enamored with your cockiness when we were younger. I thought I wanted to be just like you. You haven’t changed a bit.”
“Hey, I said you’re hot too. I wasn’t just talking about myself, but we have to admit, I’m breathtaking.”
He gave me another chuckle, shaking his head as he did so, clearly enjoying my teasing. “I wouldn’t even try and deny it,” Ryder countered.
“Well, thank God for that. I wouldn’t want to find out you’re a liar.” The truth was, Ryder was breathtaking. He kept stubble on his face like I did, only his was darker. He had laugh lines, and happy eyes, and full lips.
And I enjoyed this back and forth with him, but then I wondered if I was supposed to or not. Maddy would never want us to be rude to Ryder. She hated that our parents had cut contact with the Lynwoods, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t a small part of me that felt like I was betraying her by being here with him.