“Why are you sorry?” Her apology had come out of the blue.
“About Mom and Dad. How they’re harder on you than they are on me. That Dad has expectations about how you should live your life and—”
“It’s fine.” I waved off her concern. “It is what it is. Nothing will change them. I’m used to it.”
“You shouldn’t have to be, though. I think he takes his disappointments in life out on you. Maybe even his disappointments in me.”
That gave me pause. “About what? You don’t do anything for him to feel that way about you.”
“I was sick. Twice. He’s a good person, and I know he loves us, but he’s…not an easy man, and we both know he likes perfection. I’m not that, so he puts more pressure on you to be, but it also makes him feel guilty, so he overcompensates by being extra easy on me and a lot harder on you.”
I stared at her a moment, unsure where all this was coming from. Maddy had never said anything like that to me before.
And part of me wondered if she could be right about Dad.
“Grandpa was always so hard on Daddy, and in turn he’s the same way with you.”
“Put a lot of thought into this, have you?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood.
“Yes, and I’m being serious. It’s not fair, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of so many things.” She swiped at a stray tear that had leaked from her left eye.
“Hey, what’s wrong? What’s going on with you?” Worry settled at the base of my spine. Maybe our parents had been right when they’d said she looked tired. Maybe she was sick again and didn’t want to tell us. Maybe it was worse than it had been before.
“Stop that. Stop thinking everything means I have cancer again. I can see you studying me, looking for signs. I’m physically healthier than I’ve ever been. Don’t act like everything comes back to the big C. That’s how Mom and Dad treat me, not how you’re supposed to.”
Shit, she was right. I didn’t want to be that person to her. “What’s going on, then? What are you tired of?”
She sighed and pushed the corn around on her plate the way she used to when we were kids. “Feeling trapped. I just want more…but I don’t fully know what that is right now.” She shook her head. “I feel like I’ve been living my whole life on pause…or in slow motion, and I’m ready to speed. On the other hand, I’m still me, and I can’t just leap without looking. I need familiarity, comfort.”
I frowned, cocked my head slightly. “Should I be worried?” I trusted her to tell me the truth.
“No, I promise. I’m just figuring things out, and once I make some decisions, you’ll be the first to know.” She reached over the table, grabbed my hand, and squeezed. “I saw Ryder,” she admitted, immediately making me tense. Was that what this was about? Was all this because of him?
“Maddy, listen, he’s—”
“Oh God, Hutch. Please don’t tell me he’s gay. I know that. I was married to him. I remember what that was like, and for the first time, I’m seeing things for how they really were. I don’t want Ryder back. I’m just telling you because it was…freeing. He’s doing well. He seems happy. I want him to be happy, and I want to be happy too.”
“You deserve it.”
“I do, don’t I? And so do you, but we’re talking about me right now,” she teased.
“Oh, I see how it is.”
“Really, though. Will there always be a part of me that wishes things could have been different with Ryder and me? Yeah, of course, but it can’t be. We weren’t meant to be. It just felt good to see him. I missed him.”
I nodded, proud of her. I didn’t know all that was going on with her, but I figured she deserved to have her secrets. Her life hadn’t truly been her own, and maybe now it would be. And when she was ready, she’d tell me everything.
“I, um…I have to admit, I saw him too.”
Her forehead wrinkled. “Really?”
Clearly, I still wanted to keep my own secrets, because I didn’t want to tell her I volunteered. That was still mine, something I didn’t share with anyone—well, except Ryder now.
“Yeah, it was by accident, but we talked some. Like you said, he does seem to be doing well. He mentioned you came to see him but didn’t tell me what you talked about, just said you two were okay.”
“We are. I don’t want any of you to hate him or hold a grudge against him. I don’t expect the two of you to become the best of friends or anything—that would be weird—but Ryder doesn’t deserve anyone’s anger for being who he is, even if it would have been a little helpful had he figured it out earlier.”