Off Limits (Secrets Kept 1)

He knocked his head against the door. “Fuck. I told myself I wasn’t going to do that. I told myself I was going to say we shouldn’t go through with this.”

I fought not to let my disappointment and hurt show on my face, but the way he cocked his head and cupped my cheek told me I’d failed. “What now?” I asked.

“Now, we cook. We’ll talk after.”

We found a way to push our decision aside and just…enjoy one another. Hutch had gotten the stuff for stir-fry—all fresh, nothing frozen. We washed our hands and the vegetables, and he cut the chicken while I started with the broccoli.

“How are you feeling?” I asked him.

“Quite good, to be honest,” Hutch replied.

“Not because you had the best sex of your life last night. I’m talking about your patient.” I couldn’t imagine losing someone and then having to go right back to taking care of people the next day. That had to wear on him more than he let on.

“It’s hard, but I have no choice but to move on. There are always other patients. I mourn those we lose but move on for those still here.”

It felt like my heart stumbled in my chest. “That’s amazing to me. I don’t know that I’m built for something like that.”

He shrugged and continued cutting. “I’m a physician. It comes with the territory. I don’t mean to make light of it, but I can’t let it interfere with the people who still need me either.”

I leaned over and kissed his bare shoulder, the towel he’d been drying his hair with still lying forgotten on the floor.

“What was that for?” Hutch asked.

“Just because.” Who knew if I’d be able to do that much longer?

We got everything chopped and in the skillet, then got the rice cooker going as well. There wasn’t much silence between us while we cooked, and once we finished, we took our food outside to the balcony the way we always did.

We talked about Kinsley and my family, and I told him some about what it had been like living in LA. “I loved it while I was there, but it’s not where I wanted to be forever. Atlanta is home.”

“Yeah, it’s home to me too. I love New York City. I thought about moving there for a while.”

“No shit?” I didn’t know why that shocked me.

“Yeah, it was after you left. Actually, it might have been partly because you left. I hadn’t come out to my family yet, and…well, you know how things are with us. I thought maybe you had the right idea, packing up and leaving. Hell, maybe I was jealous, in a way. I thought about you sometimes.”

“You did, huh?” That was new. I never would have thought that.

“Not in a sexual way or even…I don’t know, in a close friendship sort of way. I just wondered what you were doing. You gave me the itch to want to get out of here. Like I said, I was jealous, but I think I’d hate it if I left.”

“We could go on a trip together,” I replied before I had time to think about it. “What are some of your favorite places you’ve been? Or that we went to as kids together?”

“Oh God. Do you remember when I was sixteen—and you must have been about fourteen—and we went skiing in Aspen? That was the first time I kissed a boy, and you almost caught me.”

I looked at him wide-eyed. “Are you kidding me?”

“No. I met him in the lodge. We talked for hours. When it got late, I brought him back to our chalet. We were downstairs, and he kissed me. Shocked the shit out of me at first, but I fucking liked it. We made out like crazy on the couch with a movie playing in the background…”

“Bad Boys,” I said, the memory becoming clearer in my head.

“Yeah. You came downstairs to get a drink, and we jumped apart. You asked if you could watch and ended up sitting between us. I had to put a pillow over my lap to hide my boner. You were being a brat…I remember. You asked him if it was time for him to leave and put salt on the popcorn after he said he couldn’t eat salt.” Hutch’s brows drew together.

“I was jealous,” whispered past my lips. Holy shit. I’d been jealous, hadn’t I? “I could tell something was up between you two, and all I knew was I suddenly hated that guy. Everything about him bugged me, and I was…fuck, I was annoyed that you were hanging out with him. I didn’t realize I was jealous at the time. I had no idea why I was upset, and I hadn’t ever thought of it until this moment. I didn’t want him around you. Maybe even back then, a part of me wanted you to be mine, and I just didn’t understand it. What kind of asshole does that make me?”