“That’s normal. We all want to be saved and protected to a certain degree. Don’t be so hard on yourself. And we all want to do that for the people we love.”
“Which leads directly to the reason you’re here.” She cleared her throat, straightened her spine, and looked at me.
“Yeah, yeah, it does, but we can eat first. There’s potato salad and fruit.” Shit. I’d already said that.
“No. It would be better for me if we cut to the chase. I’m not saying I won’t eat with you. I’m saying I’ll decide afterward, and what’s better for me is talking first. I’m working on being more assertive when it comes to my needs.”
“Good for you,” I replied, and meant it. She’d lived on cancer’s terms, and her parents’ terms, and even indirectly, even though I hadn’t meant it, mine too when we’d been together. It was past time she did these things for herself.
“Thank you. Now, tell me why we’re here.”
“It’s Hutch, like we said, but I’m worried that what I’m doing isn’t fair, that it’s going directly against what you just told me, what you’re working toward for yourself.”
“That doesn’t mean you can’t say it. Just know that I’ll make my own decisions.”
I tried to ignore the weight on my chest, the heaviness that had taken root there because of how I’d come between Hutch and his family. “I wanted to ask you… I know this isn’t fair to you, but I wanted to ask you to forgive him. It’s killing him, Mads, what’s happening. It’s breaking his damn heart.”
“And it’s not breaking mine? I’m human, which means what I feel isn’t always fair or logical, just like it isn’t for you or Hutch or anyone else. I’m not in love with you anymore, but you’re the only man I’ve ever been in love with. In a way, you were always mine because of our friendship, and I lost that. You don’t think it hurt to catch the two of you together? That it didn’t kill me to laugh while at dinner? There was a time when I would have been where Hutch was the other night.”
“I know. Christ, Mads. I know. That’s what makes this so fucked up. I try to put myself in your shoes, and I can’t fathom how you feel. I see Hutch’s heart breaking every damn day. No matter how much it would hurt me, if it would fix things for him, I’d break it off with him, but I know it won’t. The damage has already been done, and it would just leave him alone.”
She frowned. “You’re in love with him. I can see it plain as day. I did when I caught the two of you, and I did at the restaurant. You’d break up with him? You’d be miserable.”
“If it was better for him, I would. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him.” She flinched. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
She held up her hand to quiet me, and I respected her wishes. “Why?”
I cocked my head, confused. “Why what?”
“Why do you love him? And I don’t mean because he’s a man and I’m not. Why Hutch specifically?”
“Mads…” I wasn’t sure this was a good idea. It felt like a way to torture her.
“I want to know. You don’t have to tell me if you’d rather keep it to yourself, but don’t do it because you’re worried about me. I’m an adult, and if I couldn’t handle it, I wouldn’t have asked.”
Damn, she really was different. I’d noticed it the times I’d seen her since being home, but it was even more obvious now.
“Because he never fails to make me smile or laugh…because cooking dinner with him, even when we used to do it from separate condos, typing on an app while not knowing who the other was, are some of my favorite times. Those moments make me feel…I don’t know…lucky. It’s so simple, and probably doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. I just like to cook with him and talk with him because he does everything with so much passion.” I turned, unable to look at her. Hell, I didn’t want to look at anyone while I was cutting myself open like this.
“Because he has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. He’s taken the back seat most of his life, and he isn’t as bitter about that as he has the right to be. He would continue to do it if it made life easier for other people because that’s the kind of man he is. Because every single one of his patients means the world to him, even though he’s only seeing them in passing through the ER. Because he feels guilty for not being who everyone wants him to be and, despite how your father has treated him, Hutch loves him fiercely and wants nothing more than to make him proud. Because he volunteers with kids who have cancer, and when I see him with any of the kids, but especially Layla, I can’t help feeling the same sort of awe about him that she does.”