“Oh, Hutch. Always carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Taking care of me, getting into trouble to take the attention off me when it was too much, and never being told how damn important you are. I’m sorry for contributing to that—both in ways I couldn’t help and those that I could.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Maybe, maybe not. There aren’t really clear-cut answers here. Hell, there aren’t to most things in the world. Right, wrong, good, bad, it’s all so subjective. It’s all just shades of gray. The only thing we can do is try to be good to each other, to take care of each other, and to take care of ourselves. It doesn’t mean we won’t hurt those we love. We wouldn’t be human otherwise, and this? Going to London? This is for me, not you. This is because of me, not you. This is my way of taking care of myself and putting myself first.”
I cocked my head, looked at her, studied the strong set of her shoulders and the way she held her head high. The light shining back at me from her eyes.
“I love London. I’ve always loved London. I want out of Atlanta. I want to…experience life instead of being too scared, instead of keeping myself home and safe, but then complaining when my family is overprotective of me. Because the truth is, while all of you are guilty of doing that, I’m guilty of allowing it. I refuse to do that anymore.” She paused, wrung her hands together, and said, “I’ve been seeing someone.”
“A man?”
“No, nothing like that.” She chuckled. “A therapist. For a long time now, actually. I was depressed and didn’t realize it. There was so much from our childhood I hadn’t worked through, so much with Ryder and our marriage, and just things I wanted to work on about myself. I’m so damn scared every single day, Hutch. Afraid to live, of possible consequences, of putting myself out there. There’s so much I want to do, but I never let myself believe I could. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life this way, and…this thing with Ryder and you, it’s helped give me that last little push I needed.”
The guilt cocktail inside me gained strength again, but before I could reply, Maddy held her hand up. “Not in the way you think. I told myself you betrayed me because you didn’t tell me. It was jealousy, Hutch, because you’ve always been stronger than me. You had the strength to give yourself to Ryder and to stand your ground in that love, to go for what you want in a way I never have. It wasn’t callously, of course, but…when I look at the two of you, it makes sense. You make sense together. I saw it at dinner that night. It’s why I left. It was…overwhelming. But it’s time I stopped feeling sorry for myself, using excuses to keep myself in the safe little bubble I claim to hate. I’m popping it for good, and I’m…excited about it in a way I’ve never been excited about anything. This is the right thing for me, and I want your support. I want you to believe me when I say it’s what’s best for me, but even if you don’t, I’m not changing my mind.”
It was as if she’d transformed right in front of my eyes. I realized that until now, when I’d looked at her, I’d still seen the little sister who needed me, and while she was still my sister, she didn’t need me. She didn’t need anyone. “I’m sorry,” I admitted. “If I ever made you doubt yourself. If I didn’t trust you when I should have. If I tried to hold on too tight. I told myself I wasn’t like Dad, but I have been with you. Maybe not quite to his level, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s true.”
Her chin wobbled, and her eyes began to water.
“I trust you, Maddy. If London is what you want, you should go for it, and I’ll be here, cheering you on every step of the way.”
“Don’t make me cry before I have to give a speech.” She swiped at the stray tears.
“You’ll still be beautiful. You always are.” We both moved to each other, grasping, and holding each other tight. “I’m so proud of you.”
“I’m proud of me too,” Maddy acknowledged. “And of you.” She pulled back and put a hand on my chest. “You keep your heart locked up tight. Sure, you play it off like you don’t, but you do. I’m so glad you gave it to Ryder. He’ll take good care of it, just like I know you will with his.”
“I love him…so damn much.” I almost apologized, but I didn’t. Maddy had mentioned Ryder. I had to follow through and trust her as I said I would.