I knew I wasn’t asexual because sex was the only part I liked about my relationships. It was everything else about them I struggled with.
There had been no pivotal or inciting moment that changed me. No messed-up breakup or sob story to make me disinterested in settling down.
I came from a great home, with two loving parents who adored one another. I’d had girlfriends over the years. Some relationships stuck more than others. Some of the women I cared for deeply, and I definitely respected all of them—but something was missing.
Everything looked normal. Nice. Fine.
It felt fine, too. Not too good. Not too bad. Kind of like your favorite dish at a familiar restaurant. I was never disappointed with the women I was with, but never thrilled by them, either.
And I wanted to be.
Wanted to be driven to do dumb things, to push against my boundaries, to decode that one thing men my age had—a marriage—and I hadn’t.
Ultimately, choosing one woman was pointless when this town was my oyster, and I could have my pick of a wife at any time (save for Tennessee Turner, who frankly, I wouldn’t wish on my greatest enemy if I ever had one).
“I get it.” Gabriella sat up, slapping her thigh.
She was having an entire conversation with herself. Never a good look.
“You do?” I seriously doubted that, but went along with the conversation, anyway.
“You’re just getting cold feet because Wyatt’s getting married and you know you’re expected to be next. I can wait it out, Cruz. There’s no pressure at all.”
None whatsoever, other than the fact she’d already marked engagement rings in bridal magazines and left them where I could find them. Frankly, I thought three months wasn’t long enough to figure out if you wanted to share a Netflix subscription with a person, let alone propose marriage.
“It’s not about that. I need time to straighten my head.”
“Promise me one thing.”
Gabriella was now somehow full-blown sobbing, and I hated myself for ever getting into bed with her. In my defense, I didn’t think I’d have to see her the next day or the three months following.
“Sure.” I let loose a wintry smile, patting her knee. “Anything, honey.”
She squeezed my shoulders, looking me dead in the eye. “You’ll give it some serious thought and let me know when you come back from the cruise. I’ll wait for you.”
“Really, there’s no need.”
I didn’t want her to wait for me.
More importantly, I didn’t want to wait for her.
Cruises could go a few different ways. It was entirely possible I’d find a vacationer to have a brief fling with, and I didn’t want to hold back. Not when I already knew I didn’t want to be with Gabriella for another day.
“You don’t have to wait for me, but I’ll feel better if I wait for you.” She mustered a weak, tired smile.
That sounded like a pretty screwed-up agreement to me, but maybe Gabriella needed a few days to digest this. I’d been trying to break up with her for two hours now, and we kept going back and forth.
If this was what it took to make her leave, I figured I’d take one for the team.
“All right. We’ll talk again when I get back.”
“And try to remember what made us get together in the first place,” she suggested. “Maybe it’ll rekindle something in you.”
I was practically pushing her out of my apartment at this point.
Just when I thought I could close the door behind these hellish few hours and take comfort in the arms of the one love that never failed me—a bottle of beer—a pointy, red heel rammed its way between my door and the frame before I could close it all the way.
I opened it quickly, hoping it wasn’t Tennessee Turner and her Australia-sized attitude.