Squashing down those emotions, I neutralize my expression and square my shoulders. Alessio glances back at me, nodding as if he approves, and then he slips quietly into Nino’s room, shutting the door in my face. Message received loud and clear.
You aren’t welcome here.
8
Alessio
Nino spends the rest of the night in a fitful sleep, and I remain by his side, watching him helplessly. It isn’t often I encounter a situation I can’t control. Power and money can move most mountains. They are the foundation upon which I provide for Nino and ensure his needs are met. Food, shelter, safety. I can give him all these things easily, but I can’t protect him from the ailments common in childhood. Over the last four years he’s been in my care, I have been reminded of this vulnerability on occasions when he has taken sick, and I always feel guilty for it.
I made a promise to Enzo when I took his son in at two years old. Our Society has traditions and customs that outsiders don’t understand, and though I had never considered having children of my own, I didn’t hesitate to agree when Enzo granted the customary rite of Nino’s care to me. In his absence, I have acted as his parent. I had hoped that I could provide for him as well as a father would. I thought I was giving him a world of skills, special interests, and tools that would ultimately benefit him. That said, I haven’t been able to eradicate Natalia’s harsh words from my mind.
She tells me Nino is too busy for a child. That his schedule is militant by nature. She speaks of creativity and play as though they are a necessity I have denied him. Every sentence she uttered was like a sharp blade, piercing the one true vulnerability I have. I cannot fail Nino. Everything I have done for the last four years has been to protect him. To guide him. To ensure that he will grow into a capable, well-rounded man who can achieve anything he sets his mind to. I took on this job willingly, but I have had my doubts since the beginning. Natalia couldn’t know that. She has no understanding of my relationship with Nino, or his relations, who took me in when my family was annihilated. I owe this to Enzo, but it isn’t just that. It’s a matter of honor. This is the only way I can ever repay him for his friendship and our brotherhood at a time in my life when I needed it most.
There has never been a question in my mind that I lacked the necessary skills to be a father, but over time I had hoped that Nino could forgive me for the areas I was lacking and respect me for the ones I was better at. It hasn’t turned out that way. Anyone can see the boy doesn’t like me. He stares at me like he knows I’m a monster, though I have never once raised my voice or permitted him to witness the violence I’m truly capable of. Somehow, he still senses it. He sees beneath the surface, and he does not want to know me. We are two people, co-existing in the same house. I have tried not to force his affection, even as I felt mine grow for him. I did not think it possible to truly care for a child, but when it comes to Nino, he is the exception, not the rule. I have empathy for him. I have admiration for him. I would certainly destroy anyone who wished to harm him. But my greatest fear is that the years he remains in my care will continue to pass us by, and he will never feel love for me. With some reluctance, I can admit that perhaps Natalia was right. He does need more than activities to fill his life.
He stirs from sleep, gazing over at me through bleary eyes, and I sit up in my chair, spine rigid, fraught with tension.
“Are you alright, Nino?”
His little face scrunches up, and he begins to shed tears as he glances around the room in desperation. “Where’s Natalia?”
His question is another dagger to my heart, but it comes as no surprise. Whatever witchcraft that woman dabbles in has us both under her spell.
“I’m right here,” I try my best to assure him, but it comes out stiff rather than reassuring.
“I want Natalia,” he cries.
Frustration makes me stubborn, and I want to insist that he sit here with me. One glance at his face, which he quickly hides from me, and I know it’s useless. Wordlessly, I rise from my seat and stalk out of his room, quietly shutting the door behind me before I slam hers open. She bolts upright in bed, a gasp of air the only audible noise as she smacks the lamp to turn it on.