29
Natalia
Hello, darling. I kneel in front of Nino to unzip his coat. Did you have fun?
“Yes.” He bobs his head, his cheeks red from the cold outside. “Daddy let me get a hot chocolate after dinner.”
My eyes crinkle at the chocolate evidence left behind on his face. I can see that.
I dare a glance up at Alessio. He’s stiff, waiting for me to finish with Nino so they can get on with their night. Every other day we take turns spending time with Nino, shuttling him to activities, eating dinner together, and putting him to bed. We have a schedule that works to Alessio’s benefit because it means we rarely see each other, except for the breakfast table, where we no longer talk. So far, Nino hasn’t seemed to be affected by the tension between us, but I suspect it’s only a matter of time.
My heart thumps pathetically as I wait for Alessio to return my gaze, but he doesn’t. He checks his watch and then retrieves his phone from his pocket, using it as a distraction.
I return my attention to Nino, giving him a watery smile. It’s time to let you get back to your night with daddy.
He presses his cold fingers to my face like he’s trying to comfort me. “You can come too, Mommy.”
I nearly cry every time he calls me that. It’s a recent development, one that evolved naturally. Shortly after our return from New York, Alessio left the results of the DNA test in my room along with a handwritten note to tell Nino whenever I thought it was best. I didn’t wait long to have the conversation with him, but I made a point to say that I didn’t want him to feel pressured to call me anything he wasn’t comfortable with. At first, I think there was some confusion on his part, and there are still some details we’ll have to discuss when he’s older. But eventually, he accepted the concept on his own and shyly began to call me Mommy instead of Natalia. Even though the rest of my life was in chaos, it meant everything to hear those words from him.
I wish I could stay with you. I sign to him. But tonight is daddy’s night, and I have to go Christmas shopping.
His eyes move between us, and he seems to be considering something for a moment. I’m sure he knows something isn’t right. He’s already asked me why Mommy and Daddy don’t sleep in the same room like the parents on TV do. He’s made some other innocent observations too, and quite frankly, I’m tired of giving him excuses. He deserves more than that. I don’t know how to be a good example to him when Alessio and I are both miserable. This isn’t the life I wanted. My husband is so cold, I get a chill every time he walks into the room. Every day, my heart breaks a little more. It’s too painful to keep up this charade.
Nino tugs on my sleeve and then signs to me. Can you buy daddy the present I told you about? The alien socks.
Of course, my love. I nod. I will take care of it.
“Okay.” He flashes a dimple. “Then I’ll see you later.”
In the morning, I tell him. I won’t be back before you’re in bed. So, sleep well.
“I will,” he says.
I ruffle his hair and pull him in for a hug before releasing him. I love you so, so much. You know that, right?
I love you too, Mommy.
We say goodbye, and I don’t bother to glance at Alessio again, but I can feel his gaze on me as I walk out the door. Manuel is already waiting outside with the car, ready to deliver me to the shopping center.
The drive is quiet, and I use the time to check my emails. A few weeks after Alessio and I returned from New York, I managed to land a part-time job working as a coordinator for some of the children’s services within IVI. I’ve spent my first three weeks in the new position getting my bearings, but so far, I love it. I have to admit I’m impressed by the range of mental health, education, and after-school programs on offer. The Society is ahead of the curve from what I can tell, but I already have some ideas I’m hoping to implement in the future. I’m working on more interactive programs for children like mindfulness and yoga. It keeps me busy when I’m not with Nino, and occupying my mind is the only thing saving me right now.
We arrive at the shopping center, and Manuel escorts me inside to meet Abella. She greets me with a hug and a kiss on each cheek and then steps back to look at me.
You look like you could use a drink, she signs.