Ryder? If I made you comfortable, none of this would matter. You wouldn’t be torn about your feelings for me. The past wouldn’t matter in connection to me and you wouldn’t have felt the need to avoid me.” A light clicked. “That’s always why you’ve avoided me. Because I’m uncomfortable.”
The truth bubbled inside her. How could she not have realized?
“None of this comfortable/uncomfortable stuff matters, McKenzie. I’m not willing to have a relationship with you.”
“We already have a relationship. One that started when we met and got put on hold until I asked you to go away with me.”
“As your pretend boyfriend.”
“The only thing pretend about that weekend was what we were telling ourselves. Everyone saw the truth, but us.”
“What truth would that be?”
“That we’re meant for each other.”
Ryder closed his eyes and groaned. “You’re here to torment me, aren’t you?”
His words caused her a moment of doubt, but then she reminded herself that he was using what happened with Anna in an attempt to shut her out.
“Possibly. I had dinner with Paul last night. He wanted to get back together.”
Ryder’s expression darkened. “Then why are you here? With flowers?”
She moved closer to him. “I don’t want to get back together with Paul. Or Clay.”
* * *
The last time Ryder had bared his heart hadn’t ended well.
Because the woman he’d been baring his soul to had been in love with another man.
“This isn’t easy for me, either, you know?” McKenzie jabbed her finger against his chest. Would she keep doing so if she realized how each touch sent shockwaves of awareness through him?
“I’ve been dumped by every serious relationship I’ve ever been in,” she continued. “Someday, you may do the same, but I’ve realized that someday might not ever come and wouldn’t that be a beautiful thing if it didn’t?”
Meaning he might not ever dump her.
“I wouldn’t.”
She stared up into his eyes. “Deep down I believe that, Ryder. It’s why I’m here. Because, not so long ago, I thought three strikes and I was out, but in reality it’s third time is the charm.”
This should be easy. McKenzie was here, baring her soul to him. But old hurts cut deep.
“You can’t be sure this isn’t just a rebound reaction.”
McKenzie laughed and shook her head. “I’m not on the rebound from Paul.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I was never in love with Paul. You’re not the only one hiding behind walls. Part of me is terrified of being in a relationship with you because the stakes are high. I’ve seen what that can do to a person. I saw what it did to my mama when my daddy died.”
He captured her finger poking into his chest, held it close to his heart.
“I think it’s why I stayed in relationships that weren’t right for me,” she continued. “Because I knew that even though it would sting if they ended, which they did, it wouldn’t shatter my world.”
“Is that why you’re here? To start another relationship that isn’t right for you?”
She shook her head. “For the first time in my life, the right man is in my life. Only he isn’t in my life, and that’s why I’m here.”