“What? I’m just pointing that out. Just in case.”
“Just in case what?”
His expression suggested that maybe he thought she might push him in—not that she could. The glass wall was too high for that.
Not that she’d thought of doing such a thing, anyway.
At least not now that both of her guys were finally smiling.
They continued their trek through the aquarium, going down one floor at a time, petted the manta rays, which Joss loved, then finished up their tour at the souvenir shop.
“Can I have a toy, Mommy, please?”
“Not today, Joss. We bought the stuffed penguin the last time we were here and I told you we wouldn’t get anything the next time we came.”
“But I need a manta ray.”
Yeah, her sweet little angel was on a roll.
“Not today.”
“Why not?”
The question had come from Trace and had both Chrissie and Joss looking his way.
Chrissie didn’t want to argue with him, especially not in front of Joss. She forced a smile. “Because Joss got a toy the last time he came and we don’t get new toys every time. He knows that.”
She didn’t want Joss to grow up spoiled and unappreciative of life’s blessings. She tried to find a balance and for the most part felt she succeeded. Her son knew they didn’t get new souvenirs at every visit.
Trace bent to Joss’s level. “If you want the manta ray, I’ll buy it for you. An otter, too, if you want it.”
Joss’s eyes immediately went to hers. If she’d already told him no on something, she didn’t allow others to then do it for him. At three, he already knew this, although he wasn’t beyond trying on occasion with his grandmother.
Trying to choose her words carefully, Chrissie started to explain to Trace that she’d already said no and that was the end of it. Because she had final say. Because she was the parent.
But so was Trace.
That was when the full ramifications of Trace being in their lives hit her.
She no longer had final say over decisions where Joss was concerned. She no longer got to decide what was good for him and what was bad for him and how much was just right. At least, not by herself she didn’t get to decide those things.
If he wanted to buy Joss the entire store, he had just as much right to do that as she had to say no.
What if she and Trace fundamentally disagreed on even the most basic of things when it came to child rearing?
What if they never agreed and one always said no and the other always said yes? What if Joss grew to hate her because she was the parent who tried to create boundaries and Trace showered him with gifts?
What if Joss treated her the way he treated Trace?
Her skin began to shrink around her body, squeezing her insides to where she felt as if she were about to cave in on herself. To where every breath was a struggle.
Her gaze met Trace’s and she tried to speak, but nothing came out. Nothing.
Panic rising in her throat, she glanced around the shop, her mind racing, her feet itching, her knees weak.
“No—just no.” With that, she grabbed Joss’s hand and walked over to a shark book display and fought the paralysis taking hold of her body.
Because she wanted to run, with Joss, and never turn back.