Precisely.
My limbs know what to do and where to go, and I just go. Wedging two fingers in the tiny fissure, I find a better foothold and shimmy up the crack that widens with every twenty feet. Until I’m over two-hundred feet off the ground, and I can fit my whole body in the fissure. I do a split and shake out my arms. Balancing all the weight on my legs.
And I glance down.
Akara and Banks are specs in the distance. Wind whirls, but it’s not too gusty. I smile up at the last two-hundred feet of ascent.
What my dad once did.
I blow out a breath and keep climbing.
Fear is nowhere to be found when my confidence has propelled ahead. Dousing all reservations. I push harder to make better, faster ground, and when I’ve reached the top, I pull myself onto the ledge of the peak and stand up.
Feeling how small I am in this big wide world, I take a seat on the highest ledge. Not afraid of heights, I look every which way.
And I try to picture my dad up here in his young age. “I did it, Dad.” I’m more excited to call him, to tell him everything, when I know I should also be soaking in the moment. My smile flickers in and out.
I can barely make out Akara and Banks waving up at me.
I wave down to them, but their voices are inaudible.
And I look up at the clear blue sky. I stare out at the gorgeous mountain ranges, and I glance at the emptiness beside me. Then back down at the people waiting for me at the bottom while I’m alone at the top.
Climbing four-hundred feet has never felt so far away before.
It shouldn’t fucking feel like that.
This was a goal I completed. An achievement. A pump-my-fist-in-the-air success.
I hate this loneliness. This was the exact opposite of what I thought I’d feel once I free-soloed. So I stand up, grab my rope that I left here for the rappel down, and I step into my harness.
All I want to do is run into their arms.
43
AKARA KITSUWON
We’ve been on the road for hours, and Sulli’s mood hasn’t lifted much since she descended the rock. Not even as we packed up all our gear and left Yellowstone. I thought she’d be happy after free-soloing Rattlesnake Knuckle. She killed it in under thirty minutes, and that half-hour felt like a full century.
Banks and I were barely breathing. Like maybe for every breath we held, we could give her more. When her feet touched the earth again, I surrounded her first, and she looked like she was about to cry.
“Sulli,” I whispered, my heart hurting seeing her that upset.
All she said was, “I thought it’d feel differently.”
I hugged her.
Banks hugged her, and I tried not to get in my head at how long she really hugged him. It’s good that he’s a source of refuge and comfort for Sul.
So good.
Very good.
Not a problem at all.
I tap the steering wheel, taking glimpses of the rearview mirror. Just to see Sulli in the backseat. She’s been staring solemnly out the Jeep’s window. Quiet as ever.
From the passenger seat, Banks glances back at her too with the same heavy concern as me. I didn’t know what she meant by I thought it’d feel differently, and she was too upset for me to press her on it.
Night has now descended, and the only noise comes from the forest-green Jeep as Booger bumps over potholes on the poorly paved road.
“Sul?” I call back. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She rests her chin on her knees. “I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Try us,” Banks replies.
“I just thought…” She exhales a heavier breath. “I just thought it’d be a powerful moment, being up there after free-soloing. A spot my dad once free-soloed too, and it…it wasn’t. It was fucking lonely, more than any speed-climb I’ve done. And I guess I’m used to getting out of a pool after an achievement and being near people. Even running through a finish line, I can turn into another person’s arms—up there, I was just alone.” She says the word from her core, like it’s full of a cruel nothingness.
Like it’s worse than death.
I’m used to being on my own. More than Sulli or Banks. After my dad died and my mom left for New York, I just had myself to go home to.
Being alone isn’t an unfamiliar concept to me, but I’ve built my whole life around a team of men. Around protecting a girl 24/7.
Around people.
Banks and Sulli have never known life without companionship, and I’ve been constructing something close to that so I don’t have to go back to a life without it.
So I’m never really alone anymore.
She adds softly, “Maybe it’s because I put pressure on the free-solo to feel something rather than look at the times and my speed. I don’t know…”